Caught in the Act..Not

My fellow coworkers and I have a nickname for our new BM that fit's him like speedos on an obese man. We started out with "Mr. Wonderful" and we tried a few other nicknames that would make you blush and be too impolite for me to list. I do have standards you know.

However, "Mr. Useless" seems to be the all time winner. It just seems to encompass all that is our BM. Due to the fact that he has no real purpose. He is..useless. He does not manage the branch at all (that's Raiko's job after all) He just kind of hangs around, and gets in the way of library business, making our life more difficult and frustrating.

Which brings us to the other day when a couple of staff members were just getting into the branch and settling in to work the evening shift. Mr. Useless walks into the break room and arms outstretched in a sound of music moment and says..."I'm useless!" The two staff member freeze in horror.

Had they been loose lipped?

Had he overheard them speaking about him?

Did he actually have the brains to figure it out?

It was definitely one of those deer in the headlights moments.

One of the startled staff members has the wherewithal to ask "WHY?"

His reply..." Well doesn't everyone feel useless when they don't have a car? "

Ahhh...yessss..... ignorance is truely bliss...

Vampire at the Library

I was instructing a patron on how to access the library catalog and place holds. Throughout our conversation there was something odd about this guy. I mean sure he was nice which is odd. He was clean cut and intelligent which is also not normal for our clientele. In the middle of his conversation it hit me. He's got vampire fangs. Not the insertable kind but the permanent caps. I'd expect this guy to be all goth but no. He looks like an older version of Wally Cleaver. It was a little surreal. I wanted to ask if he was a sanguinarian but thought it might be intrusive.

The Lost, The Wimpy, and the Fed Up.

There are times when I feel like I'm just a vending machine for popular books. I've considered tearing my hair out when the 15th patron of the day asks for one of the books du jour. I know of course that we have 5 copies or more of the book but that they're all checked out. But the patron expects me to actually look to see if the title's availabe. I mean come on people! I practically live here and you're like to 15th person to ask for that title just today. Be original ask for something obscure already!

Yet.

Still.

I have to go through the motions of checking to see if we have the title in stock. Day after day, week after week, month after month...well you get the picture. What really irritates me is that when I ask if the patron would like to put the title on hold 9 times out of 10 it's no! Even when I explain to them that they will get the book in a more timely manner they'd rather wait and ask me yet again, usually the next day. Arghh...



I don't know what I'll do if the next 5th grader asks:



"Do you have Diary of a Wimpy Kid?"



Usually the interview continues like this:



Me: " Which Diary of a Wimpy Kid are you interested in? We have the first in the series as well as Roderick Rules, Dog Days and The Last Straw "



5th Grader: " I want the red one"



As a result I am not having kids.



If it's not Diary of a Wimpy Kid by Kinney it's the popular non-fiction series by Dave Pelzer that has captured the adoration and attention of preteens and teens everywhere which features child abuse. Hopefully they are not using it as a primer for parenthood. The two most popular in the series, The Lost Boy and A Child Called It, our library has stopped buying copies entirely. Not only does the book have poor binding, people keep checking out the book and never returning it. We've purchased 38 copies of A Child Called It, of which 15 have been checked out and never returned. As of this second we have four copies checked out and the rest... well they've been withdrawn due to a combination of crappy binding and wear and tear. Let's not get started on The Lost Boy.

There's always the newest, coolest, hottest title out there and people want to read it

now,
now,
now!


Couple of years ago it was Rowling's Harry Potter series, Pilkey's Captian Underpants series, and Brown's The DaVinci Code. Let us not forget anything written by V.C. Andrews. V.C. Andrews books for some reason seemed to have the forbidden underlying theme of....incest. Ewww....Which for some reason made her popular amoung young adult girls which really disturbs me.

Now it's all about Torri Spellings sTori telling or Mommywood and Chelsea Handlers My Horizontal Life.


Let us not forget the Twilight Fanatics and Vampire Wannabees. I've actually created a paperback special collection and nicknamed it Vampire Alley to house the myraid of vampire series from the Vampire Academy to the Cast's House of Night series just to save my sanity.

Now all I have to do is point.

Score one for me.

Liberry

Vanna, one of our Reference Staff tried to help a patron access our on-line services from our website. After a lot of frustrating attemps Vanna asked "how are you spelling library?" The patron spelled library...l.i.b.e.r.r.y.


Arghh!!!

Charity and the Spiritual Warrior

Dude.

It's not even 9:15 on a Saturday morning and already the day has started with a cup o' crazy.

This morning a very sane looking, clean-cut, middle aged man came up and asked for a directory of global charities.

And if he'd just kept his questions based in reality I could have handled it.

But nooooo....

He begins describing himself as a spiritual warrior fighting dark forces or some such crap. I couldn't quite follow his whole manifesto. Something about how there is this "guy" that's putting pieces of himself into different Global Charity organizations in order to corrupt them and how nobody know's he's doing it. And I'm thinking ewww....and asking myself which parts of himself is this guy leaving and that it just can't be sanitary.

Mr. Spiritual Warrior goes on about how there are angels around him fighting this war and that means there are a lot of casualties and would I know anything about that? To which my reply is:

NO SIR, I'M SORRY. THAT IS NOT AN AREA I AM FAMILIAR WITH.

At which point I politely explain that we don't have the sources that he needs and that perhaps the city library next door would be better equipt to help him (in his battle with the dark forces).

I'm not proud. I'll stoop pretty low to pawn a crazy person off onto a city library. My reasoning is that they are paid better and better equipt to deal with him if he get's violent. And yes, I like my spleen right where it is.

There is a part of me that is sensitive to the needs of people with mental illness and the other, larger, part of me that wishes for a panic switch at the reference desk because the tightrope known as sanity this guy is walking on is gonna snap... and soon.

The Bio-Electromagnetic Salmon

I'm working the reference desk tonight when a man comes up and asks me to print out an article for him from a link he printed off a webpage. Okay, no problem. That is until the link turns out to be broken. In fact all of the links from this webpage are broken. I then realize that the webpage is about conspiracy theories and the subject he's interested in is ...mind control.

OH CRAP.

Another unstable patron.

Because, that's just what I ordered.

Yup, one unstable patron with a side of crazy.

First it starts with the paranormal, with a side of mind control, and Eldon Byrd - a scientist that worked on weapon systems for the U.S in the late 60's and 70's. After I find whatever I can on those subjects Mr. Conspiracy starts spiraling into fragmented obscurity and it just gets worse. I just can't win. Mr. Conspiracy now wants schematics and instructions on how to create his own bio-electromagnetic weapon.

I mean REALLY.

But wait it gets better...

Then asks me to check to see if he could pick-up or order a bio-electromagnetic weapon at his local Radioshack.

Why.

Why me.

It's my Friday!

Oh for Goodness sake!

Then Mr. Conspiracy wants articles on how radio waves affect the brain and subliminal warfare.

It's just too creepy.

And the weirdness just keeps coming.

The entire time this guy is at the Reference desk he keeps fanning himself lazily with one of the free publications we give out (although it's like 68 degrees in the building). Every once in a while he'll slap the publication down on the reference desk like he's the feurer addressing Nazi Germany during WWII. He's also got red rimmed eyes that make me want to bathe in disenfectant in case he's got a case of pink eye. Arghh..... I directed him to our science section in the 500's and that's kept him busy for a while but like Salmon wanting to spawn he would regularly fight his way back up to the reference desk for more information on his...quest for what? World Domination? Yuk.

Fraud and the Evil Library User

Fraud (frôd) n.
1. A deception deliberately practiced in order to secure unfair or unlawful gain.
2. A piece of trickery; a trick.
3. One that defrauds; a cheat.
4. One who assumes a false pose; an impostor.




The library system has inplemented a new system that makes getting a library card even more convienent. How so? The masses can now apply for library cards online!



Oh yes!



Online!



Often times I am unreceptive to change and negative in the face of impending change. I often violently express my feelings and opinions to my B.M.

It's a failing.

I know.

I should be a mindless happy worker bee, a yes girl, a stepford librarian, or at least a weary seen-it-all librarian beaten down by "The Man".



I have to wonder what management is thinking. Do they just think up an idea and implement it - just because? How much planning and forethought go into an idea before they just decide to implement it. I just find it odd that management has seen fit to allow the unwashed masses to apply for a card online, place books and other material on reserve online, allow patrons to pay for fines/fees online



and yet,



has not implemented the ability



to pay fines and fees with a debit/credit card



or



have wireless access in a majority of the branches.



At least not at our branch. There are times when I think the library system is the physical embodiment of the term oxymoron.

Is it just me?



This whole online library card business is no exception.



Okay,

Okay,



In theory the whole concept of"applying" for a library card online seems innovative and kind of cool. If you live in a crazy land. I mean come on. Drawbacks people.



Drawback #1 - Management is notorious for not informing the staff regarding new proceedures or when it implements new policies. (it's never a good thing when patron's know more about what's going on than staff )



Drawback #2 - The online process does not make clear that library staff will need to see identification with address verification. Big Fat Library Administration Stupid Heads!
We've already had a patron in tears over this one! Staff had to be the bad guys and say no, you can't get a card because you don't have the proper I.D.



Drawback #3 - Online card registration makes it easy for people to commit fraud. 'Cause you can apply as Abe Lincoln if'n you want.



It's already started... We had a regular patron create a library account online. She used her name and tried to use her son's California I.D. number. She already has two cards with a combined overdue fine of $120.00! She's also abused her son's libray card. How not cool is that? If she had not been helped by a staff member who remembered that she already had a card with us - with massive overdue fines she would have gotten away with it! Call me jaded. But it's just wrong. She's already committed identity theft and attempted to commit fraud. People go to jail for fraud and identity theft but you know we will never hold her accountable.


Evil Library User.

A Library is not Staples.....

Cry me a freakin' river.

It drives me absolutely bonkers when Patrons expect us to open up our supply cabnets for office supplies.

Arghhh... Another patron came in expecting us to provide a folder for her offspring's report. What does this say about the public ability to be prepared? I am constantly suprised when someone gets into a car without their Driver's License, or when they walk into the building with out their library card. As for this patron in particular, I let her beg a folder off the Branch Manager. He can say yea or nay about whether of not it's appropriate to give away our library system's supplies to the public. My generocity stops at paper clips, use of our 3 ring hole punch, use of our stapler, pencils and tape. I mean when is enough...well enough? Do they want us to open up a vein or what?

I so need a vacation...

Kentucky Cell Phone Triangle

It's amazing what intensely personal things people will store on their cell phones and other electronic devices. One Thursday evening I was helping someone on the reference desk when out of the blue someone's cell phone rings right next to me. I jumped and located a nondescript cell phone and shut if off so as not to disturb the other patrons. Oh yes, someone has lost yet another cell phone in the library. You'd be amazed at how many of the things are left in public places. I am more amazed at how many people don't seem to make finding their lost cell phones a priority. Now if I was the person who lost this particular cell phone I'd be frantic to get it back. I'd like to think that we go the extra mile to return someone's lost property. This cell phone was no different. I asked one of our pages to try and contact the owner of the cell phone and get it back to them as she is the most technologically advanced texter I know. She turns on the cell phone and is not able to find any contacts with any names attached to any of them. So she checks out the pictures and text portion of the cell phone and finds a plethera of....porn. Yup, you bet Porn with a capitol P. With plenty of pictures of women of every shape and size ( and I do mean every shape and every size ) with out a stitch on sometimes doing extremely intimate...acts and sometimes with...O.O.U.S's or objects of unusual size. Then she discovered the videos...with...sound. I mean it's somehow worse with sound. Especially with your male Branch Manager standing behind you looking over your shoulder. Our B.M. ended up calling one of the numbers on the recent call list and someone picked up from Kentucky. I guess this guy knew the owner of the cell phone o' porn only as "Raggedy Ass". The Kentucky Cohort also knew the name and number of "Raggedy Ass's" favorite hang out. Go figure. The Kentucky Cohort called the local hang out and the guy ended up being a regular patron we see here a lot which freaked us out. You just never know. Who's the closet transvestite, Pedophile or dirty old man - and most of the time ignorance is truly bliss...

Heroin Chic....Heroin Chick...

I never really witnessed someone who exuded Heroin Chic until recently. I was working the circulation desk on Monday when an emaciated woman minced in. I didn't notice her at first so much as the massive invisible wave of nicotine that preceeded her entrance. Nicotine must have been leeching from her system in such large quantities as to become an actual physical presence around her. I have only witnessed one other person with that kind of Nicotine presence and that was Mr. Ho, stalker and professional mental patient extraordinaire. After overcomming the effects of the nicotive wave I was brought to another realization. She was an actual...well...'Ho. Many women walk in dressed like a 'ho and talk like a 'ho, but this patron was the real deal. A bondafide professional 'ho. It actually took me a moment to figure it out. Skimpy clothing...check, painfull looking shoes....check....blank drugged out expression...check. Wow. I mean I've seen them from afar in the "Bad Part of Town" on "That" Street but never have I just looked at one and thought oh, she's a prostitute.

Lost with Soundtrack

J.C. the third came in to pay for a lost book. This in itself is suspect as J.C. III is known for his frugality. Never one to willingly pay an overdue fine much less for the current list price for an actual book. In the past he has requested that the SoCal library buy obscure sci-fi and fantasy titles so that he could read them with out having to purchase them.When someone wants to pay for a book Circ staff does not look forward to the paperwork involved. It sucks for us as well as for the patron. It's a pretty intricate process what with all the forms that need to be filled out in triplicate no less. You'd think they were buying a car! And we are busy, by Golly! Other patrons look down upon us for taking so long what with the paper work and reciept giving. There are times when a patron pays for a book that isn't really lost. In these instances there are usually two types of patrons who do that. The first type are the Religious Nuts. R.N.'s are patrons who check out books on witchcraft and other "devil books" with the knowledge that they will not be returning them. Such books I imagine are often burnt. I had a couple of missionaries let me know that it's common practice among their contemporaries. They will check out a book like Buckland's Guide to Witchcraft and then roast a few marshmellow's over the burning carcass of our intellectual rights. The other type is the Obscure Book Lover. OBL's will covet the last known copy of a book by some obscure author of which we are the only library that has it in our collection. They check out the book and then claim they "lost" it in order to make it forever theirs. I believe J.C. III to be an OBL. The big clue was when Ms Nadine was trying to complete the myraid of paperwork required for J.C. III to recompense us for "losing" the book. He was just way too chipper to be laying down cold hard cash for a library book and he was also accepting responsibility. With few exceptions patrons will never, ever take responsibility for lost or overdue books. It's always gotta be the Library's fault. I think what makes this experience exceptional for the staff is when as the line to check out gets longer and longer J.C. III starts giving Ms. Nadine a booktalk about the book as well as serenading her with the "original songs" included within....the lost book. ARGHHH!

The Demented Miss D and her Balls of Steel

I'm suprised Miss D can walk with the large balls of steel nestled betwixt her legs. I mean she should at the very least waddle. At first glance Miss D seems like a very sweet old lady but looks can be deceiving. It all started with the reduction of hours taking place in June. Mr. Useless, our branch manager, took down the master schedule and did a preliminary change so that staff could get an idea of how the reduction effect everyone. Instead of putting up an accurate schedule that, god forbid, reflects the current state of affairs he puts the adjusted going into effect June schedule back up. Miss D takes one look at that schedule this morning and goes into Freak Mode. She starts with her signature muttering and asking the staff repeatedly "Who changed my schedule!?" " Who has the authority to change my schedule!?" Mr. Useless only works at our branch Monday, Wednesday and a half day on Friday so of course he's not able to diffuse the situation because he's at the MoCal branch. Miss Raiko, our 2nd in command is out sick until mid June, Miss Penelope is doing story time and craft with her usual 75 kids and I have yet to come in because I'm working the closing shift. Unbeknownst to the rest of the staff Miss D. has tried to call Mr. Useless's cell phone, our old regional manager, and finally calls Mr. Big Cheese himself when she she doesn't get the snappy results she expects. I enter the back room as she is making the call to Mr. Big Cheese and stare at her in stupification once I realize what she's doing. There are certain things you should never ever do, for instance; spitting in the wind, ramming a police car, baiting a rabid dog, eating questionalble shellfish, washing your hands after using the bathroom, etc... Well yeah, you could do these things but it's really not recommended. By calling Mr. Big Cheese and discussing a branch issue with him she's put her employment status in a potentially dangerous position. If Mr. Big Cheese finds out that Miss D is well... of diminished capacity, he could push for her termination. As it is she is not able to work the circulation desk at all and told Mr. Big Cheese. We'd love for her to be able to take up of the circ desk slack but she brings chaos to the front desk just by walking next to it. When she actually worked the circ desk she created so much confusion and destruction I was tempted to start drinking on the job. Regular patrons would ask to be helped by anyone other than Miss D. One female patron almost burst into tears at the very thought of having Miss D. help her because Miss D. made her feel like a criminal. (don't ask me why) According to Miss D. the conversation was short and she expressed her concerns about the whole schedule conspiracy. Miss D. was satisfied because she got a difinitive answer from the Biggest of Bosses which was to disregard the changes on the schedule and talk to Mr. Useless.

Demented Miss D's Diatribe

The staff has become accustomed to Miss D's Demented excentricites over the course of her employement. However, as an addict becomes tolerant to his or her drug of choice, so do the staff at the SoCal library become tolerant of Miss D's antics and demented foibles. The Universe being the cruel and sadistic mistress she is, cracks the her whip and tortures the sane - by escalting Miss D's dillusions and ravings exponentially. The staff has developed a sort of selective hearing that activates just when we hear the sound of her voice. Ususally myself and many others can block out the sound of her voice when she goes into her stream of conciousness mode. Just enought to drive the rest of the staff stark raving mad. Lately Miss D has been haunting the library on her off days and calling in to talk to staff when not scheduled to work. Staff used to breathe a sigh of relief when Miss D would leave for the day, but alas we can no longer depend on a brief vacation from her insanity. Now at the drop of a hat she will come in and grace us with her presence or call us with some strange fact or illness. This weekend alone she was sure she had not only shingles but elephantitis. She followed many of us around asking the questions like are you religious? Do you know who cooked the last supper? She is abso-freaking-lutely certain that the new self-check-out machine is there to replace her. Let's not even start with how the volunteers are threatening her position here in the library heirarchy and the new branch manager is out to get her. A couple of months ago I complimented Miss D when she helped another senior access the internet and fill out unemployment forms. She comes back the next day with all of the certificates she's been presented for every computer course she's ever taken for the last fifteen years with a stern lecture from me on how she does know how to use the computer and she can prove it by golly!

Demented Miss D's Dizzying Decent into Disturbia

The Library Conglomerate revealed to it's employees today that we would be getting a %3.25 raise. Yeah! Let us rejoice! Then they backhanded us like a sweaty drunk in a sweat stained wifebeater by cutting all employees hours by %5. I mean why not just cut our hours by %2.75 and call it a day already! Why the bait and switch?

Well, the library system is all a buzz with this new revelation and it's employees are trying to figure out how to adjust to the change. And so starts the Demented Miss D's short trip across that mental street from the corner of semi-stable and sane to the corner of disaster and dementia. Like a wolverine protecting a fresh kill Miss D went right into attack mode. She started with accusing the volunteers of doing her work and as a result the management having to reduce her hours. She said this in front of a volunteer none the less! Although I told her it's happening to everybody and that volunteers have nothing to do with it. I believe she was truly in paranoia mode and was not to be reasoned with. Sometime later Miss D. comes to the realization that it must be our part-time Branch Manager that's out to get her. Again I try to direct her to the avenue of sanity by the way of reason blvd. but alas, she's not going to be coralled. I'm waiting with baited breath to see who she blames next...

What's in a Label?

What's in a label? The head honcho of our library conglomerate is eradicating library labels. At first some may think okay, that could be a good thing - saving staff time and the library much needed funds. Then sanity steps in and smacks me a good one. WTF!!! For those who have never worked in a library you may not understand the severity of the situation. Mr. Big Cheese wants to turn the SoCal branch and all of her sisters into little (or big) souless hunks of uniformity. Think Walmart or Homedepot. Mr. Big Cheese wants to strip each branch of it's identity and it's soul. There's a reason our little SoCal Library has labeled certain materials the way we do. It's not to make more work- it is in fact to make things easier for both staff and patron. We didn't wake up one morning and say "gee.. let's label crap for the fun of it!" Our labeling system has evolved over years in response to the needs of our community. I shudder to think of what our ordered little library will become. This edict, if it passes will be a terrifiying blow to the running of the branch and staff morale. It's not like Mr. Big Cheese will reap the benefits of living in a labeless universe. It will be the peons, the troops in the trenches who will deal with the chaos of it all. How will our patrons find the mysteries??? the sci fi? or heavens, the new books? Dear God think about the shelf checks, the books from other branches that will find themselves on our shelves and vise versa because like a communist country everything looks the same. Creativity, orignality and pride will fall by the wayside and for what? To save a few measly staff hours from processing materials once they arrive at the branch? So that we, a government agency will resemble a cheap version of Borders? Mr. Big Cheese wants to be able to walk into any branch in our system and have it look the same. This is an unattanable dream and Mr Big Cheese won't be alive to witness this event. Why? Not because the Sisterhood of the Library Labels has put out a hit on him but because he doesn't want to unlable the existing materials. Oohh nooo this disordered chaos will grow like a malignant tumor on the backside of the library system, creating a mish mash of labeled and unlabeled materials until like a cancer it takes over the collection entirely. How long will it take? Perhaps a decade? I predict the fall out to be considerable due to misshelved items and disgruntled patrons. Dear Library Goddess this act of insanity offends my retentive soul!

Sa turd ay

I've always wondered by their was "turd" in Saturday. After working one this last Saturday at SoCal I now know why...



Usually Saturdays are quiet affairs with the absence of patrons that let a person catch up on all the work that's been set aside because we're just too freakin' busy keeping the doors open what with the hiring freeze and the staff shortages. This Saturday was looking to be just as placid and stress free when I had a premonition. I was adding up the checks from the money taken in the day before when the total came to $51.50. 5150 is the cop code for someone who is crazy. And so they began coming in... first with a patron and her daughter all fired up because their refund the library owed them was not here fast enough. I go a lot of "your taking food out of my kid's mouths!" and "this is all your fault." On and on it went...Stress levels were raised and people came in all day reminding me that perhaps we shouldn't have sharp objects within easy reach at the workplace.

Biology and the many acts of Reproduction...

A teen came up to me and ask for books on biology, so stupidly I went and got her a biology book. She looked at it strangely and said in a distracted manner. "I need a book the reproduction cycle. " "Any particular kind of reproduction cycle?" I ask. Watching her face contort in confusion. I am imagining the inner dialog she must be having with herself. " What do you mean what type? " I wonder if she's imagining if there are any other ways to well.... do it that she hasn't already done. At that point I have to intercede because it's just getting too painful to watch her mentally go through her list of sexual exploits. So I ask "I mean do you want the reproduction cycle of a plant, or anphibian, a mammal, or a fish?" I go on and inform her that there are all different kinds of plants, animals and single celled organisms that have their own kind of reproduction cycles. Then I ask her which one would she like information on...I actually witness the curcuits in her brain spark. She says "Oh yeah, I want information on the reproduction cycle of humans!" Okay I'm thinking, if I get her a book on the human body is what is she going to do with the knowledge she attains? Ewww. maybe I shouldn't even go there. We reach the anatomy section and I go for a basic book on the human body - you know the kind that diagrams in simple renderings of what's where, what it does and why it exists. I have to open the book to the reproductive section and viola! I can hear the light bulb sputter on in her brain. Oh yeah that exactly what I'm looking for! - Amazing isn't it?

Maiden, Mother, Crone...The Moronic Cycle

Yesterday I assisted a patron at the Reference Desk. This is not unusual. I work in a library, I help people all darn day. This patron stuck out because she was well.... an idiot. I know, I know, I shouldn't be so unkind but she there is no other way I can possibly describe her. First off she looked all of 15 and she was very pregnant. What was even more scary is that this isn't her first child. Pregnant teens are nowadays not sooo unusual. She asked for my help but was not articulate. It was like pulling blood from stone. She wanted a book but didn't know it's name or who wrote it but she'd seen it before so she know's it exists. Of couse it was a book on pregnancy. She also wanted a book on a "high risk pregnancies" but needed her mom to jog her memory regarding her specific high risk condition. What took me aback was the fact that this teen's mom was also pregnant. It was obvious that the mom had given birth to her teenage daughter in her teens...Good Lord what a vicious cycle. At the rate this family is reproducing the mother is going to be a great grandmother before she's turns 45!

A Short Bus Kind of Day

Yup, today was a short but kind of day at the Reference Desk. Everyone that came up to the reference desk asked not only those stupid kinds of questions, for instance - "I need a book on grapes for my science project" or "What Time is it?" While staring at the wall clock and you jusk knew- knew it was because they couldn't read an analog clock. What do they teach children these days? But others masquerading as autistic children, unable to comunicate with the outside world had to come and see me at the reference desk. I had a kid who needed help logging onto the computer. Usually, and in this case as well I talk them through the process hoping and that they will learn more by doing than by just watching. Most of the time this process seems to work - not today though. Today it took freaking forever for this kid to follow the most basic and simple set of instructions. It was like teaching a duck how to read braille. At one point I wondered if he understood the English language. Just when I was about to break my own rule and just "do it for him" - he get's it. Finally, I think to myself, he's out of my hair. But alas, it's not to be. After I show him how to read his reservation reciept which tells him A. What computer he's on and B. When his reservation time is - he comes back to me and says "Somebody's on my computer" I give myself a mental headsmack and tell him that he has a reservation in one hour and fifty-five minutes. His reply "but somebody's on my computer" nothing seems to get through to this kid, nothing. It's not like he's five or anything. If takes a full five minutes of giving him the same freaking answer phased differently each and every time and I still don't think he truly "got" the whole concept of - dude you'll have to wait your turn. Civilization is doomed.

Another Performer's Showcase

Yes, yet again I got to go to another Performer's Showcase. This showcase was in a spectacular venue close to home, in my city's brand spanking new cultural center. I think they could have it at the Sistine Chapel and it would still have the same soul sucking effect on me. The venue had all the pristine shiney-ness of a newly minted penny as well as great food and decent breaks - but still I was only half alive when I left. I think it's just the whole thought of OMG I'm going to have to start thinking of SRP and it's only January! As well as the sheer number of people performing that has that life sucking effect. As I sat in the well appointed theatre I was forced to witness some truly gratingly horrifying performances. What amazes me it that these awful performers are willing to come to - yes! your library for a paltry $350-$475 and strut their stuff for your patrons. I mean really, do they not have friends that live within the bounds of reality? At one point I thought for a moment I'd start breaking out in hives when one woman did a startling reinactment of a scene in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice in full costume. (Of Course) I mean what 3rd grader is going to be all over that this summer!?

The Dizzing Deductions of the Demented Miss D

Bubble Trouble

At this time all of the staff is female at SoCal Library. As a result we talk a lot about - well men... During a staff birthday party Ms Patrick and I were involved in a man themed discussion. We were discussing the Man bubble bath phenomenon. We noticed that a lot of men we knew enjoyed taking bubble baths including Ms. Patrick's husband. During our discussion Ms. Patrick informed us that she knew that Alan Greenspan goes over financial information in the bath and would stay there for hours. At the end of the discussion Miss D gave Ms. Patrick a piercing glare and stated " Boy Ms. Patrick, you sure do get around!"

Beware of the Pretty People!

Miss D. is in a state about our branch manager retiring. She in constant worry mode regarding her ability to keep her job during these "uncertain times". As a result she often voices her theories regarding our branch manager's replacement. So far her biggest worry is that they will hire someone "Pretty". Yes, she is worried about the "Pretty" people. I'm not sure why - I get the impression that she thinks that if HR hires a "Pretty" branch manager that Branch manager will want Miss D gone. Maybe the whole birds of a feather theory? Miss D gave me a reasurring pep talk telling me emphatically that and I quote " Oh you won't have anything to worry about because you're smart."