Gender Unknown

More and more often as the years to by I see patrons enter these hallowed halls of information and have to wonder... is that a dude or a chick? Just because a patron has facial hair doesn't rule out the XX chomosome. With all the hormonal imbalances that occur in the human body you could be looking at an unaltered bearded lady. Are those man breasts or an unfettered c-cup? Pregnancy or a beer belly? Low gravely voice? Could be a 2 pack a day smoker. Sam, Pat, Chris? Dear Lord what's a librarian to do if gender becomes an issue during the course of a reference interview? Here's a couple of he/she's who have crossed my path:

Mrs. Boy George - aka Chris. (I kid you not! We couldn't even get a break with the first name!) We figure she was an actual well...she... but to this day we are still unsure. Mrs. Boy George would come in every day, get on the computer, print and generally obsess about - you guessed it everything Boy George (a pop icon from the 80's for those who were born yesterday.) During his/her - oh bother! stay she would compliment the more full figured reference staff members on their appearance. Which freaked us out. I mean being gender unspecific, a Boy George Stalker and a chubby chaser. Ewwww...

*I once helped a patron who I was absolutely sure was male. I questioned his use of a computer because the card he was using was obviously a female's - I guess the person in question get's mistaken for a male all the time which is why she carries her birth certificate with her. It didn't help that she had a military buzz cut Paton would have envied and dressed like a vato from the barrio.

A Decade in Review 1998-2008....

My Branch Manager's or "BM" is retiring next month. After 10 years of working as the head honcho at our little SoCal Branch she's calling it quits and moving on to more relaxing pursuits. She's the best BM I've ever had - wait that didn't sound quite right did it? As her last day draws near other staff members and myself reminise on all the people and experiences we've had.

Staff 1998-2008 "the Highlights"

Secret of the Sleeping Lady



To this day this story has been a closely guarded secret between a few of the senior staff members.



Our staff is usually very methodical. After having the alarm set off by patrons that were left in the library after closing - we got to be extra careful. Especially when the fear of got is put into you by your Branch Manager. At the end of the day a staff member is responsible for touring the facility to make sure all patrons have departed prior to locking the doors and well... leaving for the night. One Monday night we were so busy only a cursory check of the premises were made before staff locked the doors, set the alarm and left for the evening. A staff member who will remain nameless remembers our regular homeless lady taking a nap in the back of the library on one of our window bench seats. She was sleeping sitting up with her legs and arms crossed and her head dropped down on her chest. Evidently my coworker, who will not be named, forgot to wake her up and we set the alarm and left for the evening. When she will not be named came in bright and early the next morning she found said homeless lady in the same position still asleep. The homeless lady had not moved therefore had not set off the motion detectors and set off the alarm.




Library=Daycare




It's a well known fact that libraries are often the defacto drop spot for latchkey kids. Let's face it the public concensus is that libraries are a safe haven for their kids hang out in after school. What they fail to realize is that libraries can be wrought with gangs and thugs as well as pedophiles who believe that this facility is their version of Toy's R Us. The first year I worked here a kid was stabbed and almost bled to death on our carpet. Perhaps it would have been okay to leave your ten year old at the library after school fifty years ago but now? I wouldn't leave my worst enemy's offspring here alone much less mine. Okay, so it's not like we're South Central for goodness sake but we're definitly not Mayberry either. For instance - One early Saturday morning in my early years as a page I noticed that the only two patrons in the library were two Asian girls. One was five and the other was three. After a lot of gentle questioning we found out that their mom wanted to get her grocery shopping done and felt that she could leave her girls at the library while she did it. She put her five year old in charge of her three year old. I kid you not. Incredible but true.




Mr. Tilapia





Mr. Tilapia is a long time patron. For as long as I have worked at the SoCal branch Mr. T visits the library more regularly than my menstrual cycle. The first time I ever laid eyes on Mr. T- he walked in on a warm summer day with a long sleeve shirt, dark work pants, suspenders and tall rubber boots caked in cow crap. What appeared to be bird poop adorned his left shoulder and he wore a pair of dirty wire rimmed glasses that were taped together with layers of dirty scotch tape. Oh the memories! Oh the stench! I can recall his hair with it's receeding clown-like hairline adorned with dark kinky curls that was in a desperate need of a hair cut as well as a shampoo. Whenever Mr. T walked into the library I always had this inexplicable desire to present him with a bottle of Tide, a bar of Irish Spring and a stick of Mitchum and say " Please, please, become familar with these objects, make them your friend and most important of all use them and you to may be able to find a mate and procreate!" But alas I never grew the two sphere like appendages to make that desire a reality.


Mr. T has always been a very placid patron. His demeaner has always been calm and quiet with a monotone voice albeit with a startling tendency to wear oversized clunky boots - Mr. T's most disturbing habit for such a dirty, smelly man was his devotion to Martha Stewart Living, Gourmet, People and Good Housekeeping magazines. Of course there were times when he'd go on a tangent - for instance he had to check out all the wiccan books or all the books on roses or other unconventional topics for his age and gender. I thank all the dieties that exist when Mr. T took advantage of renewing his materials by phone- well let me tell you that was one of the best days of my life!


Mr. Hoe.



Mr. Hoe began some serious stalking which included writing to Sarah (one of our pages) this last year. So much of his writing was so alarming (he told Jesus to F**K himself) that the police had to be called in and a restraining order issued. One of our staff dreams of saying " Mr. Hoe. We're calling the Po Po."




Here are a few of our unsung saints of the Library - Long may they live!




Mrs. Rye Lars dam is one of our favorite patrons. She always waddles in on her walker (with the tennis ball footies) and calls the staff members such pet names as "squirrel, chipmunk, babydoll, and punkin' " (yes the deriviative of pumpkin) Mrs. Rye only checks out mysteries. If they don't bleed she don't read. Every year Mrs. Rye brings each staff member a mug of candied walnuts. Yes, we can be bought.




Mr. Winsteed is another favorite depending on which staff member you speak to. He is a retired educator who strangely enough does not require staff to give him special privleges due to his former status. Mr. W has a penchant for anything regarding Napoleonic War and often brings in brand new materials to donate.



Ms. Sharon is another of our favorite patrons. She is a die hard fan of Keanu Reaves - yet not freakishly so. She OMG follows all the library rules. Never complains about having to pay for her printing.

Small Episode of Frustrating Porportions

I had a sneak attack from JR (janet rae) on the day before a long weekend at the end of my shift. She wanted Obama's current address. Not the contact information listed when he was a senator and not the White House. According to JR our esteemed President to be is living in an apartment in D.C. prior to starting his gig in the White House. Of course she wants that address. Thankfully I am smart enough not to ask her why. Although, perhaps she may have felt the need to send him a Christmas card. I just don't want to know. So I let her know I'll do my best and get back to her. I attempt to locate the address for an hour before giving up and calling her back. Of course her number doesn't accept blocked calls and I can't unblock our number at the branch. Arrrgh!!! I think that woman just lives to drive us nuts.

Demented Miss D celebrates a Practical Christmas

The Demented Miss D was processing magazines for the library. For some unknown reason a part of his process entails going through issues of Vogue, InStyle and Glamour and ripping out all of the perfume samples whilst muttering how she will never be able to afford even an ounce of whatever perfume she's currently sampling. Demented Miss D turns to me and asks me if I'm "cutting back" for the holidays. She doesn't give me time to answer before she launches into a diatribe about how she and her daughter aren't really exchanging gifts this year because the economy is so bad. She is going to get a car cover for her circa 1980's white toyota because her kitty ripped her old one. She informed me that her daughter thought Miss D needed a new mattress. Miss D let me know that she told her daughter in no uncertain terms " Why would I need a new mattress! When I die I'll just poop all over it anyway." That's are Demented Miss D - celebrating a Practical Christmas....

Queen of Sheeba gets thirsty

The Queen of Sheeba has been making her appearance late in the day at our humble little library. As usual she looks at the line to log on to a computer and marches up to the reference desk and says " give me a computer!" Our response is pretty much the same every single freakin' time. "you have to wait in line and make your reservation to use the computer just like everybody else" She's that eternal kindergartener who cannot be patient and always takes cuts in line. It drive the staff nuts. Then we get to watch her invade the personal space of whatever poor individual she stands behind of in line. My heart bleeds for that person because I know that she has an upleasant funky body odor that is apparent at about 3 feet. After she makes her reservation for the next available computer she complains about how long she has to wait. We have repeatedly told her that she is more than welcome to make an advanced reservation where she would could make a reservation up to three days in advance at the time of her choosing. But will she take our advice... of course not! Then she marches up to the reference desk, complains about how hungry and thirsty she is and wants to know if she can have a swig of water from the Branch Mangager's water bottle. Yuk. Yuk. Yuk.

Guide to firing volunteers

Librarian in the raw's essential tips for firing a volunteer


1. Always use the phone, Always. It's always easier when you're not face to face with the firee.

*If you are firing a teen volunteer go through their parent and tell them why. Most parents know their spawn aren't perfect and are willing to accept your decision.

2. Always be vague when firing a volunteer. For instance: I'm sorry but I'm going to have to end your volunteer service because:

- we don't have any work available for you. Which is diplomatic speak for - you are unable to folow simple directions you freakin idiot!


- we are cutting down on our volunteer workforce. Which is diplomatic speak for -we'd rather have the extra work that have you grace us with your ineptness.

- we have a backlog of volunteers on our waitlist and we must give them the opportunity to volunteer. Which is diplomatic speak for - go away so that we can train somebody with a brain and the common sense to use it.

Of course if you are firing a person doing community service that's different. You can be as honest as you like without actually using profanity, getting personal or nitpicky.

These are the phrases I like to use for the most common terminating offenses:

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to terminate you because:

- It's just not working out.
- You can't seem to get here on time so we can't give you hours.
- You lack motivation.
- Your attitude is unexceptible.
- The staff is not willing to work with you.

Let Me Introduce You - Heckle and Jeckel

Socal hired a couple new faces in the last couple months. In the past finding suitable staff has always been a crap shoot. Most times the Branch Manager returns from an interview excited by the possiblitity that we were going to hire the perfect someone for our branch, only to be so terribly dissapointed later. As far as I can tell it's a 3/1 ratio. For every three people hired only one is a good fit at our library. As a result we've made some terrible, terrible, staff choices. So far I've discovered that If a prospective employee interviews well - don't hire them. I find formal interviews really don't give a true picture of a person. They'll tell you what you want to hear because they want the job. DUH. Once an individual is hired to work at the Socal library they almost have to commit murder to get fired. In fact for as long as I have been working here I have never witnessed, or heard of a staff member getting fired. Ever. Disciplinary action, yes, termination no. I know it sounds crazy but there you go.



Of the three new staff members hired this round only one has been a good fit with the rest of the staff. Nessa has become one of the staff favorites. She is professional, hardworking, eager to learn etc... The others we call Heckle and Jeckle.




Heckle and Jeckle

These are the square pegs trying to fit in the round holes. I'm not saying that they are the worst staff members we've ever had. They are punctual, and with the exception of Heckle they are enthusiastic and decent employees. They do however have idosycracies that drive almost every staff member to the edge of sanity. They have habits that have driven me to drink. So without further ado let me introduce you to Heckle and Jeckle.

Jeckle

Jeckle was a long time patron that the branch manager felt would make a great addition to the staff. She's retired with the much desired morning hours availablity. She was always so happy and cheerful as a patron. The sad truth is she is always happy and cheerful. That's her only speed - HAPPY AND FRIGGIN' CHEERFULL and if we are lucky we get gay and giddy thrown in. It's just not natural. She's like an SNL episode gone horribly wrong. So far the staff has found her most irritating habits to be:

1. Speaking - she will not shut up. Ever. The only saving grace of this irritating habit is that at least she is coherent. (unlike the Demented Miss D)

2. The over usage of the words AWESOME! SUPER! OKEDOKEY! and ABSOLUTELY!

3. The over usage of the phrase "that's in alpha order" (what does that mean? Alpha order?) I've worked in the libraries for almost 20 years and have never heard someone use the phrase.

4. The ability to bulldoze herself into any conversation but especially those conversations that are surrounded by tragedy. (kid thee not! if someone has died, had a heart attack, been mauled by a rabid hamster she wants all the deets)

5. The ability to know the correct solution to every problem ever thought of. If you have a problem she will tell you exactly how to solve it whether you want the answer or not.

6. Her inablitity to quickly help patrons at the circ desk. She always wants to talk to them about what they are doing, what they are checking out, there lives, yada, yada, yada. It doesn't matter if there are 15 people behind the patron she's currently helping. It doesn't matter they are kept waiting unecessarily - just as long as she gets to be friendly.

7. Ability to freak out little kids. She truly believes she has this horse whisper-like ability to connect with small children. What she truly does is speak to them in such a way that I'm sure they'll have nightmares for many nights to come. She scare's me and I'm only a scared, silent witness. It's not the words she uses but the tone. I get internal snipets of scenes from the movie Child's Play for some reason whenever I hear her address a child.

Heckle

Heckle is Jeckle's counterpart in almost every way. Heckle is younger than Jeckel and her only speed is well, cranky- sometimes with a smattering of dissalutionment and woe. When she speaks it's in almost monotone with little inflection. She's a nitpicker and will want to be paid for every minute extra she has to work. We had to stay late one night - eight minutes late and she felt she should be compensated for it! Her annoying idosyncrasies are as follows

1. Not being a team player. She ignores staff members who would benfit from her help on the circulation desk when it's busy.

2. Illegal break taking. Takes her breaks on her schedules circulation desk time. (It's not as if she doesn't have advanced freaking notice)

3. Ingnoring Pleas for help. When someone asks for her assistance and she is on her break instead of helping a staff member for a couple of minutes and then finishing her break she says "I'm on my break" and then pointedly ignores the needfull staff member.

* due to her innate inability to by sympathic to others or a team player Jeckle is not endeared by staff.

The Making of a Pair

Since being hired Heckel and Jeckel have found that they are each other's freakin' soul mates.

So the staff suffers.

Here's a typical Heckle and Jeckle Morning.

Each morning Heckle and Jeckle are responible for the Route. The Route for those uninitiated is a shipment of books delivered each day from other libraries in our system that have either been requested by our patrons from other libraries to check out or are comming back from other libraries because the patrons requesting them are finished with them. These mornings are painfull for the staff . Our library is in one room and voices carry. They speak of everything and they speak constantly.

At this time the term TMI (too much information) comes into play - So far we know they have had repeated discussion on these topics:

1. The Time ( Yes the TIME as in the measurement of hour, minutes, seconds, etc ) which disscussion points include but are not limited to:

A. What is the correct time.

B. If all the library's clocks are set to the correct time.

C. A debate on who has the correct time? Is it Jeckle's cell phone or Heckels watch.

Conversations regarding the Time usually take up anywhere from 10-15 minutes of Time I CAN NEVER GET BACK.

They have decieded on a color coded system for those items in the route that are to be put on hold for a patron. Usually scrap paper is cut up into strips in which the patron's last name is printed with black marker. The strip of paper is then rubber banded to the spine of the book and then the book is put on the hold shelf in alphabetical order by the patron's last name. Heckle and Jeckle talk so much that even if they do get to this point prior to the end of their shift, (which there is a 50/50 percent chance of happening) some don't get the correct patron's last name on the slip. For example: Joan Rodriguez orders the book Crank by Ellen Hopkins. Guess who's name the route slip has on it? Hopkins. It takes four staff members and 30 minutes to locate a book because Heckle and Jeckle can't stop polluting the air.

Cat Box Lady and the Quest for the Magic Unstinking Formula

We've recently had a patron complain about the febreze freshness of some of our new books. Basically, the scent makes her yak. Of course it's only those titles previously in the possession of the Cat Box Lady. I have to admit that although the dryer sheet deodorization process is only somewhat sucessful as it only masks the stench from about 1 foot away. After that the underlaying notes of cat doo is really very apparent. This summer Cat Box Lady has been making more and more appearances at our little library as a result more books checked out ie. more odor in the "New" Book section. So, yours truly went on a quest to find a new more effective solution. So after months of experimentation that would make a 7th grade science teacher proud I found a process that although takes longer - really seems to work not only on Cat Box Lady books but only the books returned by smokers as well. The process is relatively simple:





1. Mark your stench laden books damaged (in case some one wants to request that specific title)





2. Clean the outside of the books and replace clear covers if necessary (only if the cover looks bad due to wear and tear)





3. Take a Gigantic Box of Baking Soda and cut out 1 side of the box leaving a 1/2 inch to a 1 inch lip. (Make sure to cut the side with the most surface area)





4. Cover the cut side of the Gigantic Box of Baking Soda with a double or triple layer of cheese cloth with a hot glue gun.





5. Place the Gigantic Box or Boxes of Baking Soda cheese cloth side up in a plastic or cardboard box (copy paper boxes work well



6. Loosely place olfactory offensive library materials in box and seal.



7. Do not open for at least two weeks.



8. After at least two weeks take books out do a "sniff" test. If the books smell odor free - you have successfully completed the deodorization process. If not put back in and leave for at least another week.



P.S. After successfully deoderizing materials I like put the books in another box with cotton balls scented with essential oils for three days to give it an even a "fresher scent".

Buttcrackman learns to read

Buttcrackman has strikes the unsuspecting yet again.


Our literacy coordinator, who is fairly new, was contacted by Buttcrackman.

She does not interact with the majority of our patron's so she is not familiar with our more colorful clientele. Buttcrackman contacted her on the phone and wants to become a literacy learner. Which she thinks means he wants to be matched with a tutor and learn to read. Which in hindsight makes sense because I've never seen him check-out any type of library material other than DVD's - and only after asking the 16 year old female page if we carried any Adult Videos. Oh yes, he felt the library should have their own collection o' porn. It is my belief that he wants to be matched with some poor unsuspecting woman with whom he will try to entice into a compromising position of the carnal kind using his suave and debonair demeanor and stories of his sexcapades. (YAK) From what I understand during their inital phone interview our literacy coordinator asked Buttcrackman what types of reading material he felt comfortable reading ( ie. the newspaper, magazines, street signs, cereal boxes etc...) Buttcrackman's reply was "pornography" Our literacy coordinator didn't even blink an eye or point out the obvious - you watch pornography, you don't read it you sick bastard...

Newbies

We've had a couple of new patrons distinguish themselves in our little SoCal Library.

The "Queen of Sheeba"

• Q of S appears every day - day in and day out. She changes her bad hair pieces sporatically depending on her mood. Sometimes it's the braided hair piece that reminds me of the infamous gorgon of greek myth and other days it's the " oh! let's slap on a dead animal pelt" day. I'm sure even royalty would be ashamed at the way she expects the library staff to pander to her every whim. She wanted one staff member to place the coins she so carefully stacked in front of the copy machine into the copy machine slot. She expects never to wait in line because staff should take care of her first. She treats the reference staff like we are 411 and abuses the cell phone rules to the breaking point.

The Psycho Phone Lady

• P.P.L. is not exactly a "newbie" - she has appeared in the library sporatically undetected by library staff in the past. It took the staff a while to piece together the fact that P.P.L. was in fact a phone offender almost every reference staff member has encountered in the last few months. I have been aquainted with P.P.L. for quite a while. She's one of the irrational people who finds fault with the way staff answers the phone, how quickly reference staff answers her questions, the answers themselves seem to be always wrong and of course how impolite we are to her. She likes to complain and does so to our branch manager often, even about the branch manger herself. She called one of our most polite and professional reference staff a fat f**king b*tch. For someone so concerned with phone etiquette you would think she would learn to practice some herself. P.P.L. and her type never cease to amaze me at their idiocy. Has it never occured to them the there just might be something to the old saying " you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar..."

Patron with no clue.

A patron calls on the phone and requests a book that her son needs for a book report.



Librarian : "What's the title of the book?"



Patron: "Prentice Hall."



Librarian: Silence.



Librarian: "I'm afraid that's the publisher of the book - not the book title. Do you have the author's name?"



Patron: "No. But we just need a story from that book."



Librarian: "Do you know the title of that story?"



Patron: "The Christmas Story"



Librarian: Deafening Silence



Sometimes it just doesn't pay to come to work.

Estranged Patrons

Sometimes it's hard to adjust yourself mentally to the people I like to call Estranged Patrons. That not so rare breed who haven't been in a library since "like ever" and haven't even the most basic library skills. For instance the Estranged Patron doen't know the difference between fiction and non-fiction or how to use an index. Let's not speak of a table of contents, it's just too painful.

Today I had a patron come up to me and ask me for help with the catalog computer.

" I don't know what this "M" means." she says. I studied the entry on the catalog computer and informed her that the "M" stands for mystery and that title was a mystery book. Her reply was "What's a mystery?" Trying to mentally adjust myself to her way of thinking and ultimately failing I said "No that means it's a mystery book." Her blank look prompted me to add - "You know a mystery book? Like Agatha Christie?" I notice still no dawning of knowlege in her eyes, so I continue on..."For instance a murder mystery or detective stories?" Her blank look continued. Then just when I think the knowlege of light has taken hold she said Ohhh so that means it's Science Fiction! Aren't those true books?

OMG.
Civilization is Doomed.

Is that a dinosaur?

Why me?


WHY ME!


I get all the challenged people.


Be it emotionally challenged, mentally challenged, etc.


Yesterday a woman approached the reference desk with her grandson's homework clutched in her hand. This sight gives me hope for at the very least this means I won't have to play a guessing game as to what the patron really needs.

Usually the patron has no clue.

The grandma approaches me and asks me for information on a specific lizard and gives me her grandson's homework. Grandma askes"Is the first part of this lizard's name is a dinosaur name?"

I study the paper in her hand taking a deep breath. "No ma'am an armadillo is an animal native to the southern region of the United States." Grandma looking at me in puzzlement as I look back in sheer amazement. Who doesn't know what an armadillo is? Trust me, grandma looked like she had a few miles on her. One would think that experience alone would be a teacher. But still who knew? Maybe she spent the majority of her life in a strange religous cult with a taboo on animals of the American Southwest. I pulled out books that contained information on the Armadillo Lizard of which one had a photo of said lizard. She takes one look at the photo and says "What's wrong with that lizard? Why does it look like that? How come it doesn't look like a normal lizard?" I peered at the photo and was inwardly banging my head against an imaginary brick wall. Feeling the begining of a headache I replied " This is named after an armadillo and armadillos are known for curling up into a ball when threatened to protect their soft underbellies. That's what the lizard in the picture is doing."



I kept thinking -


Oh God, this woman has passed on her genes to a new generation.

Mass Exodus 2008 and The Demented Miss D Strikes Out

There are some days, weeks, and even months where everything is so mundanely normal and the events of the day go undistinguished from one day to the next. Sure lots of changes have occured at the SoCal Library. We had a mass exodus of staff members the like I have not seen for the past decade. It seemed all the stars were in allignment for a large portion of the staff and they left us to do bigger and better things. So it's been a little crazy with so few staff - but the kind of boring crazy if you know what I mean. Then as usual, human resources dragged their feet ever so slowly when hiring replacement staff. What they don't seem to realize is that new hires don't come out of the box ready with the knowledge or skills to do their job, which in turn, takes away more staff to train them until they're ready to be on their own.



As a result of the "Mass Exodus" and all it entails the Demented Miss D has become agitated. Too many changes I guess. She actually struck out yesterday and this is what happened...



Raiko does the banking every day for like FREAKING EVER, and every day she let's us know when she's leaving the building and going to the bank. Yesterday was no exception. Raiko let Penelope know that she was leaving for the bank and because we have been so short staffed Penelope was manning the circulation desk at that time. The Demented Miss D, overhearing dove in to the conversation like a starving duck at a wonderbread bakery. Using her stern voice she told the Raiko that she should never ever announce out loud on the library floor that she was leaving for the bank! Someone would overhear the conversation and lay in wait for Raiko and steal the money bag! She could be assaulted! It's just not safe! (and yes in principle I think she made a valid point) It seemed that Miss D's volume when speaking made it possible for the entire library to clearly hear her every word. Which meant that if there were any unsavory characters in the library she just gave them a new idea. Miss D threw herself into lecture mode and proceeded to tell the girls that when Raiko had to go to the bank that she should pat Penelope on the butt on her way out and proceeded to demonstrate by smacking ( not patting ) Penelope on the ass in front of god and everybody with excessive force. Poor Penelope. As a compromise it has been agreed upon to use the code phrase "I'm going to the grocery store" in lieu of "I'm going to the bank." Of which Penelope's reply will be ... "pick me up a gallon of milk..."