Cat Box Lady and the Quest for the Magic Unstinking Formula

We've recently had a patron complain about the febreze freshness of some of our new books. Basically, the scent makes her yak. Of course it's only those titles previously in the possession of the Cat Box Lady. I have to admit that although the dryer sheet deodorization process is only somewhat sucessful as it only masks the stench from about 1 foot away. After that the underlaying notes of cat doo is really very apparent. This summer Cat Box Lady has been making more and more appearances at our little library as a result more books checked out ie. more odor in the "New" Book section. So, yours truly went on a quest to find a new more effective solution. So after months of experimentation that would make a 7th grade science teacher proud I found a process that although takes longer - really seems to work not only on Cat Box Lady books but only the books returned by smokers as well. The process is relatively simple:





1. Mark your stench laden books damaged (in case some one wants to request that specific title)





2. Clean the outside of the books and replace clear covers if necessary (only if the cover looks bad due to wear and tear)





3. Take a Gigantic Box of Baking Soda and cut out 1 side of the box leaving a 1/2 inch to a 1 inch lip. (Make sure to cut the side with the most surface area)





4. Cover the cut side of the Gigantic Box of Baking Soda with a double or triple layer of cheese cloth with a hot glue gun.





5. Place the Gigantic Box or Boxes of Baking Soda cheese cloth side up in a plastic or cardboard box (copy paper boxes work well



6. Loosely place olfactory offensive library materials in box and seal.



7. Do not open for at least two weeks.



8. After at least two weeks take books out do a "sniff" test. If the books smell odor free - you have successfully completed the deodorization process. If not put back in and leave for at least another week.



P.S. After successfully deoderizing materials I like put the books in another box with cotton balls scented with essential oils for three days to give it an even a "fresher scent".

Buttcrackman learns to read

Buttcrackman has strikes the unsuspecting yet again.


Our literacy coordinator, who is fairly new, was contacted by Buttcrackman.

She does not interact with the majority of our patron's so she is not familiar with our more colorful clientele. Buttcrackman contacted her on the phone and wants to become a literacy learner. Which she thinks means he wants to be matched with a tutor and learn to read. Which in hindsight makes sense because I've never seen him check-out any type of library material other than DVD's - and only after asking the 16 year old female page if we carried any Adult Videos. Oh yes, he felt the library should have their own collection o' porn. It is my belief that he wants to be matched with some poor unsuspecting woman with whom he will try to entice into a compromising position of the carnal kind using his suave and debonair demeanor and stories of his sexcapades. (YAK) From what I understand during their inital phone interview our literacy coordinator asked Buttcrackman what types of reading material he felt comfortable reading ( ie. the newspaper, magazines, street signs, cereal boxes etc...) Buttcrackman's reply was "pornography" Our literacy coordinator didn't even blink an eye or point out the obvious - you watch pornography, you don't read it you sick bastard...

Newbies

We've had a couple of new patrons distinguish themselves in our little SoCal Library.

The "Queen of Sheeba"

• Q of S appears every day - day in and day out. She changes her bad hair pieces sporatically depending on her mood. Sometimes it's the braided hair piece that reminds me of the infamous gorgon of greek myth and other days it's the " oh! let's slap on a dead animal pelt" day. I'm sure even royalty would be ashamed at the way she expects the library staff to pander to her every whim. She wanted one staff member to place the coins she so carefully stacked in front of the copy machine into the copy machine slot. She expects never to wait in line because staff should take care of her first. She treats the reference staff like we are 411 and abuses the cell phone rules to the breaking point.

The Psycho Phone Lady

• P.P.L. is not exactly a "newbie" - she has appeared in the library sporatically undetected by library staff in the past. It took the staff a while to piece together the fact that P.P.L. was in fact a phone offender almost every reference staff member has encountered in the last few months. I have been aquainted with P.P.L. for quite a while. She's one of the irrational people who finds fault with the way staff answers the phone, how quickly reference staff answers her questions, the answers themselves seem to be always wrong and of course how impolite we are to her. She likes to complain and does so to our branch manager often, even about the branch manger herself. She called one of our most polite and professional reference staff a fat f**king b*tch. For someone so concerned with phone etiquette you would think she would learn to practice some herself. P.P.L. and her type never cease to amaze me at their idiocy. Has it never occured to them the there just might be something to the old saying " you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar..."