The Library and the Art of Psycho Parenting

When you work at a public library you see all kinds of people from all walks of life. You also get to see different kinds of parenting practices in action. I have personally decided never to have children due in part from my experiences working in public libraries. I am also leaning toward the idea that perhaps it would be a good idea to make people get a license to reproduce based on several pychiatric evaluations.

Their are several types of parenting practices that we see here at SoCal that I think are universal:

Chicken Parents: those parents who threaten their kids with reprisals from the Staff as incentive to behave. ex. "If you don't stop that the librarian will make us leave!"

Bribing Parents: parents who buy whatever the brat wants in order to stop the screaming tantrum.

Invisible Internet Parents: those parents who use the internet to the exclusion of all else.
We had a mother we call Dreadlock Lady who had toddler in a stroller taking a small hammer to one of our CPU's and another child about 10 who placed a book on the floor and started stomping on it. (I kid thee not)

Absentee Parents: those parents who think it's okay to send their underage brood to the library because it's such a safe place when in fact it's probably Pedophile Central.

Nominee's for Dysfunctional Parents of the All Time:

A couple of years ago a woman left her 3 and 5 year old daughters at the library one Saturday so that she could go shopping.

Woman thought it would be okay to leave her infant in the car with the windows rolled down in summer while she visited the library.

A man and his wife came into the library with their three year old daughter and wanted to know if it would be okay to leave her in the library so that she could play with other kids Sephi one of my coworkers said she lost all faith in humanity at that point.

Thieving Bastards!

Theft.


Libraries are wrought with theft.


It is my belief that the public at large feel that the library should supply them with:

paper both lined and unlined


pencils


pens


rulers


white-out


construction paper


paperclips


staplers


tape


and on occasion earphones!


I'm not saying that by just asking for these materials constitutes library theft, however there are limits as to what is acceptable. I'm pretty easy going and not going to begrudge someone a paperclip or a staple. However, I once had a man ask for almost all of the aforementioned supplies during a very busy stint at the reference desk one visit at a time. After about the tenth visit I snapped- like a woman pushed to the very edge by chocolate or coffee deprivation - I told that bastard that the SoCal Library was not his personal office supply store and that he needed to come to the library with his own (freakin') supplies. With my branch manager right beside me cheering me on.



We have also had an unbalanced woman who would come in each morning and take every scrap of scratch paper and a few pencils. She would spend all day writing psalms or other biblical messages on said scratch paper then neatly place them onto every parked car in our parking lot. She would also wander into the community college staff offices across the street and eat all of the staff's lunches.

As for serious thieving I believe their are two basic types of library thieves.


Your Basic Thief or YBT: those that steal without checking-out... stealthily placing materials down their pants or other orifices. (Don't Ask)


The Check-Out Thieves


These are our most stolen materials via the Check-Out Method by Check-Out Thieves:


Civil Service Exam Books: There are few libraries who can keep hold of popular civil service exams without making the patron checking out the book fork over a $20 refundable deposit. Why? Why? Whenever people come in looking for a civil service exam the test is invariably next week. So why do they never return them?


Wicca and all things Witchcraft/Occult: People of devout faith like to check out books on witchcraft or the occult and never return them so they don't poison the general populace with pagan ways. They don't recognize the whole freedom of religon part of being an American.


However in the past we have even experienced a rash of DVD artwork thefts. It's so strange who would want dvd artwork?

Poop

Fecal matter. It has plagued my carrer since pagehood. In my first page position we had a guy crap in the reference section. A couple of years later at another library we had a regular permanantly intoxicated patron, Terry, who would leave piles of his own poo in the landscaped area between the psycho senior center and the library. In this instance one of the brave reference staff actually used a dust pan to scoop up the human waste and dispose of it so as not to put a damper on our summer reading program event. One night Terry had a huge accident in his pants and decided that he should decorate the staff entrance with his own extrement, leaving his poo stained boxer shorts as an offering at our door... This evening a patron of the male persuasion left the staff a special "load" in the men's restroom. You got it a big ole pile of poo in the men's urinal a kind of excremental token of his appreciation I'm sure.

Boy Meets Boy

Sometimes librarians get reference questions pass that uncomfortable stage and just get embarrassing. I've had my fair share. The key to handling these questions is by being stoic and unflappable. Never let them know how put off you are by their question. Once I had one of our adult literacy volunteers who we call "Oxymoron" and his male friend ask me for materials on love and relationships. I told him I needed a little more information to help narrow down the search. His reply: " You know books about man and woman love, woman and woman love but mostly just man and man love." This guy teaches adults to read. It's not the whole gay thing that puts me off it's just the "do you have any books on man and man love" question. Dude, just ask for books on homosexuality. We live in the twenty-first century it's okay to be gay. It's not as if the whole staff doesn't know by now he's gay. Oxymoron is a repeat Internet offender as he's been caught accessing gay porn on the public computers facing the children's section. He's also been known to print out pictures of men in compromising positions. There's nothing quite like being greeted by naked, sweating, men in a torrid embrace adorned in Santa Hats during the holiday season as it spews forth from the reference desk printer. It's just not cool- go to a club.

Then there was a young teen who needs a good book to read for a book report. She says she's not a reader so I ask her what kind of movies does she like? Her reply"comedies". Oh crap, I'm kinda at a loss as to what to recommend . As we suvey the YA Fiction she pulls out a book titled "Boy Meets Boy" by David Levithan and asks me what the book's about. My reply is "it's about a boy who who falls in love with another boy." Her question to me then is what do you mean? I star at her blankly not knowing exactly what to say. I end up repeating myself. I don't know if she got the whole it's a book about a homosexual teens explanation I was trying to send telepathically.

AC/DC in my face

In the age of the Internet Libraries get two distinct types of clientele; Internet users whose sole objective is to use the Internet and Library Patrons who actually come to the library to check out books and library material. I find that about 20 percent overlap and use both the library to check out material and use our Internet. A great deal of the time you can tell the difference between the two. Today I encountered a pair of new regular Internet users. I call them the AC/DC Twins. I don’t think the young ladies are related but they do try to dress similarly in 50’s style black leather jackets with pink and blue letters randomly appliquéd all over it and what strike me as pajamas pants. I first really took notice when one of the girls plops her gigantic purse on the floor in front of the reference desk and bends over to fish out her library card. Dear god I saw AC/DC’s logo across my WHOLE LINE OF VISION. Her ass was way too big and way too close to my face for comfort…

Dance Macabre

Early in January Penelope and I attended Performer’s Showcase. It’s an event where librarians, friends groups, teachers and whoever else is interested can view performances from those fearless people who put on educational children’s programming. The objective: find performer’s for our Summer Reading Programs as well as year round programming if you’ve got the budget. It’s been unseasonably cold and frosty this year Penelope and I have already taken a nasty fall while entering the library who is hosting the event. The hosting library in question did put up a sign warning us of ice on the entryway to their library but in order to read the sign you have to walk through the ice. Freakin' Idiots.

Penelope and I bruised, limping and very grumpy take our seats and await the first performer. Today’s first performer is a man who represents a dance troupe. We’ve had the troupe perform at our library before. They put on a good program for the kids, very interactive and educational. I then realized that they had performed at our branch maybe 7 years ago and that age and beer had not been kind to the man performing for us today. This guy was maybe in his mid-fifties , 5’5” with a huge beer belly that was barely contained by his liederhosen. He started off by explaining to the audience about the history of Hungarian recruitment dance that he was about to perform. Then the dance began in all it’s glory. I almost stopped breathing and peed my pants while trying so hard not to laugh. Penelope was trying to contain herself as the poor, sweating, man was trying to dance his way into our libraries. Dear God it was awful. Between the grunting, scary noises, rivulets of sweat and the erratic movements the man made - I think we were all anticipating fishing for our cell phones and wondering whether or not the paramedics would make it in time. However the man survived the 6 minute performance and we all breathed a sigh of relief as he exited the stage.

Romeo Du Jour

I went to get something from my car when I happened upon Mr. Haskill another, oh so wonderful, regular dressed in his Sunday best. Mr. Haskill started living at the library about a year ago. He bathes I’m sure at least once a month, does not use deodorant and has no use for a razor or a barber. He does however have a thing for one of the full time librarians, Raylene, who is has kids older than he. While trying to chat up Raylene, he oh so suavely indicates that he is 25 when we already knew he was 18. I don’t think it occurred to him that we have his info on file when he got a library card. I then realized he wanted to make himself look more available to my coworker. He usually comes to the reference desk suavely brushing is greasy hair away from his oily, hairy face wanting works on Voltaire or books about different famous libraries from around the world. He strikes up conversation with assorted teens from time to time and lord knows what he’s telling them. He has also let us know during our special little conversations that we oh so cherish that the only reason that he’s not in school is because it’s not challenging enough for him. What I want to know is how can he afford to hang out at the library all day. After retrieving the item from my car I realized why he might be all dressed up. Dear God. Volunteer Orientation. Oh Crap. We’re so Screwed.

Library Stalkers

Stalkers in the library although rare do occur from time to time. Our Branch Manager was gently stalked by an elderly man who took one look at her and professed his undying love for her. As a symbol of his undying love he would write her erotic poetry in spanish. Ewww... Muy Creepy.

To be labeled by our staff as a stalker, a patron would have to ask for a certain staff member at least 5-10 times a day. There was one point where many of our young pages were being approached with unwanted advances by certain old icky "I can treat you right because I'm experienced" men. Thankfully our Branch Manager, as well as the rest of the unstalked staff would run interference and the cubic zirconia engagement rings I got for the girls helped as well.

Lately though we've had a new stalker. His name is Mr. Hoe. Mr. Hoe is a new regular. He is in his mid twenties and always reeking of nicotine. He’s one of those quiet crazies. You know the ones you really have to watch out for. We first encountered him shortly after his release from a mental institution. How do we know this? Our astute staff can spot medical bracelets from 30 yards. Lately he has become Sarah's stalker. Sarah is one of our new pages, blonde, pretty, always fashionably dressed and oh yeah, jail bait you nut job. We first realized his unhealthy obsession with Sarah when she began receiving such gifts as Mr. Hoe’s hair clippers and a note consisting of a piece of sandpaper with the words HI scratched upon it. He askes about the "Hot Blonde" at the circulation desk. He is now requesting to become a volunteer so that he can work with Sarah. Yeah Buddy, like that’s ever going to happen.

Teachers Today

Teachers are wonderful people.

I have teachers that are my friends.

However there are times when certain teachers give assignments that just don't make sense.

Case in Point:

A frantic mother approached our BM at the Reference Desk in a panic looking for MLK’s favorite movie, food and hobby.

Here we have another assignment from a teacher not in touch with reality.

Prison and Proud of It

Today I should be getting paid $5.99 an minute like those phone sex operators. I can give satisfaction. OK, so not in a carnal kind of way however if I have to put up with anymore cheap ass patrons I'm going to demand credit card info and charge by the minute before taking calls. Patrons call us for a variety of reasons of which few actually involve some sort of reading material. The rest go somewhat like this:

1."What are your hours?"

2." Are you open?"

3."Can you give me the address to ________"

4." I need the phone number for____"

5." Where can I get a passport?"

6. " Do you have any Tax forms"

One page, Alexis, actually had this conversation:

Alexis: Good Morning, this is the Socal Branch library. Alexis speaking, how may I help you.

Patron: Is this the Socal Branch Library? Who is speaking?

When patrons are not using the Reference Desk as a lazy way not to look in their own phone book or pay for 411 fees they don't even bother to pay attention when they do call us.

Here are some of my absolute favorite calls:

A man called and wanted to know when the movie "Amazing Grace" was playing at the Puente Hills AMC that day. Puente Hills is 15 miles away! He didn't want the phone number or the address just the showtimes. What am I Movie Phone?

Woman calls in on her cell phone looking for a video on the Donner Party. She's on the ball and lets me know that she's a patron from another branch five cities away and already put the video on hold but would like to pick it up that day at the Socal branch. I can hear her kids screaming in the backgroung and all of a sudden she screams " Shut the hell up!" Hopefully to her brats and not me. After I find the video in question she wants directions. I have to use all of my willpower not to ask " Do you have a pen" because I knew darn well she was in a moving vehicle. All of a sudden in the middle of our phone conversation she says " Two bean burritos, no cheese a #1 combo with fries and 3 regular cokes - YEAH THAT'S RIGHT THREE REGULAR COKES". She's ordering lunch at Taco Bell. May the goddess of phone ettiquette strike her down.

A Man called the Reference Desk and wanted to know if we carried any newspapers from the 1980’s. He was interested in looking for articles concerning his escape from prison. Enough said.

Volunteers of Evil Be Gone

Good volunteers have a special place in my heart. For those few who truly want to give back to the community and are willing donate their precious time - I am always humbled and honored to work with them. For those many who have poisoned their own grandmother, held up a liquor store, used drugs, drove drunk, shoplifted, beat up their significant other, committed vandalism or sexual act with an animal and got caught- please go pick up trash on the side of the road or something. Court ordered community service volunteers and students with academic required volunteer service make up the bulk of our volunteer applicants. These individuals, with few exceptions, lack intellegence and motivation. I call them the Dregs. (as in the dregs of society) Why would the court system and academic establishments punish librarians in such a cruel manner? They don't want to be here and we don't want volunteers we have to babysit. Most of them don't care about libraries or have a decent work ethic. There are a few of these Dregs that are exceptions but on the whole it just doesn't work.

Case in point The BM (Branch Manager) was approached by a patron who was interested in volunteering. This is not so unusual however, during the course of the excruciatingly difficult conversation ( English not being the patron’s first, second or even third language) made her request clear. Basically, her teenage daughter needed to complete 25 hours of community service for an academic requirement and needed it done in less than a month. Obviously the teen had waited until the very last minute. Mom thought it’d be perfectly acceptable to do the work for her kid and just have us sign off on her highness’s paperwork.

Masturbation and the Sacred Silence

Libraries are no longer quiet places. The Sacred Silence is no longer observed or enforced. I miss it so! With all that goes on in our little branch it's often hard to hear yourself think and of course when this happens it's a prime oportunity for misunderstandings. Ms. Mena and I are staffing the reference desk one busy day when a young, extremely pregnant girl approaches us and asks Ms. Mena for materials on masturbation. I was thinking "what’s the point?" However being the consummate professionals that we are and not batting so much as an eye we both start looking for materials on sexual education and masterbation. We gave her the materials to look over and she gave us this look as if we had just performed a sexual act ourselves, in public, together. She said what she was really looking for where books on emancipation not masturbation. Oops.

The Demented Miss D Strikes Again

Miss D inquired whether or not I would be going somewhere special for New Year's. I let her know that I would be spending New Year’s quietly at home. Miss D looked at me strangely and said she felt sure that I would be going to amateur night. Huh? Amateur night? What the Freaking Heck? Miss Laurel witnessing the bizarre conversation did a sexy stripper pole dance interpretation that involved a great deal of bumping and grinding and told me that at least I wouldn’t have to get a face lift…

The Demented Miss D.

The Demented Miss D, is a long time employee at our library. She is a sweet woman of advanced years and increased senility. Many would call her excentric, others a little dotty. She is one of those rare individuals who never SHUTS UP. She is constantly talking. CONTSANTLY. An actual stream of consiousnous is forever spewing forth from her mouth punctuated only with the flatulence out her ass. While checking books out to patrons she must tell them every little thing she is doing. When they have an overdue fine no matter what the amount it’s always “A little bit of an overdue” Miss D has what we thought were two safe jobs, processing periodicals and sorting the mail. Today she was sorting the mail and came across a Victoria’s Secret catalog. She came back and asked to the workroom at large why Victoria’s Secret would send a bunch of Librarians a catalog. She used the phrase “Well golly” in the question. Which, for some odd reason, always makes me wince. Then from out of nowhere she announces that one of our reference staff, Miss Carlotta, could wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie because of the shirts she wears. We interpret this to mean Miss Carlotta is stacked. Then she ponders some more on the underwear quandary and comes to this conclusion- that Ms. Bernie ( another staff member present ) could also wear Victoria’s Secret but she’d need a “little bit of a face lift” Finding herself on a roll at this point and makes sure to inform Miss Penelope our children’s librarian that she could also wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie - but only if she wore a paper bag over her head. I guess plastic surgery is not an option for Miss Penelope. She meant that only in a nice way.

Happy Times at Socal Library

I've worked and hung out in a lotta libraries in my time. Started out as a kid and kind of grew up among the stacks. School libraries and public libraries mostly. Sometimes I feel a bit jaded, as if I've seen and done it all in the line of duty. In one of my first public library positions a patron took dump in the reference section and by happenstance human fecal matter has become a reoccuring theme throughout my career. Just when it's about to get ho-hum either my coworkers and/or the unwashed masses amaze me yet again and make life interesting. Don't get me wrong I love what I do. Even on the worst day- I love what I do but lately I started writing down the highlights of those times when things got just a bit little weird.