A Library is not Staples.....

Cry me a freakin' river.

It drives me absolutely bonkers when Patrons expect us to open up our supply cabnets for office supplies.

Arghhh... Another patron came in expecting us to provide a folder for her offspring's report. What does this say about the public ability to be prepared? I am constantly suprised when someone gets into a car without their Driver's License, or when they walk into the building with out their library card. As for this patron in particular, I let her beg a folder off the Branch Manager. He can say yea or nay about whether of not it's appropriate to give away our library system's supplies to the public. My generocity stops at paper clips, use of our 3 ring hole punch, use of our stapler, pencils and tape. I mean when is enough...well enough? Do they want us to open up a vein or what?

I so need a vacation...

Kentucky Cell Phone Triangle

It's amazing what intensely personal things people will store on their cell phones and other electronic devices. One Thursday evening I was helping someone on the reference desk when out of the blue someone's cell phone rings right next to me. I jumped and located a nondescript cell phone and shut if off so as not to disturb the other patrons. Oh yes, someone has lost yet another cell phone in the library. You'd be amazed at how many of the things are left in public places. I am more amazed at how many people don't seem to make finding their lost cell phones a priority. Now if I was the person who lost this particular cell phone I'd be frantic to get it back. I'd like to think that we go the extra mile to return someone's lost property. This cell phone was no different. I asked one of our pages to try and contact the owner of the cell phone and get it back to them as she is the most technologically advanced texter I know. She turns on the cell phone and is not able to find any contacts with any names attached to any of them. So she checks out the pictures and text portion of the cell phone and finds a plethera of....porn. Yup, you bet Porn with a capitol P. With plenty of pictures of women of every shape and size ( and I do mean every shape and every size ) with out a stitch on sometimes doing extremely intimate...acts and sometimes with...O.O.U.S's or objects of unusual size. Then she discovered the videos...with...sound. I mean it's somehow worse with sound. Especially with your male Branch Manager standing behind you looking over your shoulder. Our B.M. ended up calling one of the numbers on the recent call list and someone picked up from Kentucky. I guess this guy knew the owner of the cell phone o' porn only as "Raggedy Ass". The Kentucky Cohort also knew the name and number of "Raggedy Ass's" favorite hang out. Go figure. The Kentucky Cohort called the local hang out and the guy ended up being a regular patron we see here a lot which freaked us out. You just never know. Who's the closet transvestite, Pedophile or dirty old man - and most of the time ignorance is truly bliss...

Heroin Chic....Heroin Chick...

I never really witnessed someone who exuded Heroin Chic until recently. I was working the circulation desk on Monday when an emaciated woman minced in. I didn't notice her at first so much as the massive invisible wave of nicotine that preceeded her entrance. Nicotine must have been leeching from her system in such large quantities as to become an actual physical presence around her. I have only witnessed one other person with that kind of Nicotine presence and that was Mr. Ho, stalker and professional mental patient extraordinaire. After overcomming the effects of the nicotive wave I was brought to another realization. She was an actual...well...'Ho. Many women walk in dressed like a 'ho and talk like a 'ho, but this patron was the real deal. A bondafide professional 'ho. It actually took me a moment to figure it out. Skimpy clothing...check, painfull looking shoes....check....blank drugged out expression...check. Wow. I mean I've seen them from afar in the "Bad Part of Town" on "That" Street but never have I just looked at one and thought oh, she's a prostitute.

Lost with Soundtrack

J.C. the third came in to pay for a lost book. This in itself is suspect as J.C. III is known for his frugality. Never one to willingly pay an overdue fine much less for the current list price for an actual book. In the past he has requested that the SoCal library buy obscure sci-fi and fantasy titles so that he could read them with out having to purchase them.When someone wants to pay for a book Circ staff does not look forward to the paperwork involved. It sucks for us as well as for the patron. It's a pretty intricate process what with all the forms that need to be filled out in triplicate no less. You'd think they were buying a car! And we are busy, by Golly! Other patrons look down upon us for taking so long what with the paper work and reciept giving. There are times when a patron pays for a book that isn't really lost. In these instances there are usually two types of patrons who do that. The first type are the Religious Nuts. R.N.'s are patrons who check out books on witchcraft and other "devil books" with the knowledge that they will not be returning them. Such books I imagine are often burnt. I had a couple of missionaries let me know that it's common practice among their contemporaries. They will check out a book like Buckland's Guide to Witchcraft and then roast a few marshmellow's over the burning carcass of our intellectual rights. The other type is the Obscure Book Lover. OBL's will covet the last known copy of a book by some obscure author of which we are the only library that has it in our collection. They check out the book and then claim they "lost" it in order to make it forever theirs. I believe J.C. III to be an OBL. The big clue was when Ms Nadine was trying to complete the myraid of paperwork required for J.C. III to recompense us for "losing" the book. He was just way too chipper to be laying down cold hard cash for a library book and he was also accepting responsibility. With few exceptions patrons will never, ever take responsibility for lost or overdue books. It's always gotta be the Library's fault. I think what makes this experience exceptional for the staff is when as the line to check out gets longer and longer J.C. III starts giving Ms. Nadine a booktalk about the book as well as serenading her with the "original songs" included within....the lost book. ARGHHH!

The Demented Miss D and her Balls of Steel

I'm suprised Miss D can walk with the large balls of steel nestled betwixt her legs. I mean she should at the very least waddle. At first glance Miss D seems like a very sweet old lady but looks can be deceiving. It all started with the reduction of hours taking place in June. Mr. Useless, our branch manager, took down the master schedule and did a preliminary change so that staff could get an idea of how the reduction effect everyone. Instead of putting up an accurate schedule that, god forbid, reflects the current state of affairs he puts the adjusted going into effect June schedule back up. Miss D takes one look at that schedule this morning and goes into Freak Mode. She starts with her signature muttering and asking the staff repeatedly "Who changed my schedule!?" " Who has the authority to change my schedule!?" Mr. Useless only works at our branch Monday, Wednesday and a half day on Friday so of course he's not able to diffuse the situation because he's at the MoCal branch. Miss Raiko, our 2nd in command is out sick until mid June, Miss Penelope is doing story time and craft with her usual 75 kids and I have yet to come in because I'm working the closing shift. Unbeknownst to the rest of the staff Miss D. has tried to call Mr. Useless's cell phone, our old regional manager, and finally calls Mr. Big Cheese himself when she she doesn't get the snappy results she expects. I enter the back room as she is making the call to Mr. Big Cheese and stare at her in stupification once I realize what she's doing. There are certain things you should never ever do, for instance; spitting in the wind, ramming a police car, baiting a rabid dog, eating questionalble shellfish, washing your hands after using the bathroom, etc... Well yeah, you could do these things but it's really not recommended. By calling Mr. Big Cheese and discussing a branch issue with him she's put her employment status in a potentially dangerous position. If Mr. Big Cheese finds out that Miss D is well... of diminished capacity, he could push for her termination. As it is she is not able to work the circulation desk at all and told Mr. Big Cheese. We'd love for her to be able to take up of the circ desk slack but she brings chaos to the front desk just by walking next to it. When she actually worked the circ desk she created so much confusion and destruction I was tempted to start drinking on the job. Regular patrons would ask to be helped by anyone other than Miss D. One female patron almost burst into tears at the very thought of having Miss D. help her because Miss D. made her feel like a criminal. (don't ask me why) According to Miss D. the conversation was short and she expressed her concerns about the whole schedule conspiracy. Miss D. was satisfied because she got a difinitive answer from the Biggest of Bosses which was to disregard the changes on the schedule and talk to Mr. Useless.

Demented Miss D's Diatribe

The staff has become accustomed to Miss D's Demented excentricites over the course of her employement. However, as an addict becomes tolerant to his or her drug of choice, so do the staff at the SoCal library become tolerant of Miss D's antics and demented foibles. The Universe being the cruel and sadistic mistress she is, cracks the her whip and tortures the sane - by escalting Miss D's dillusions and ravings exponentially. The staff has developed a sort of selective hearing that activates just when we hear the sound of her voice. Ususally myself and many others can block out the sound of her voice when she goes into her stream of conciousness mode. Just enought to drive the rest of the staff stark raving mad. Lately Miss D has been haunting the library on her off days and calling in to talk to staff when not scheduled to work. Staff used to breathe a sigh of relief when Miss D would leave for the day, but alas we can no longer depend on a brief vacation from her insanity. Now at the drop of a hat she will come in and grace us with her presence or call us with some strange fact or illness. This weekend alone she was sure she had not only shingles but elephantitis. She followed many of us around asking the questions like are you religious? Do you know who cooked the last supper? She is abso-freaking-lutely certain that the new self-check-out machine is there to replace her. Let's not even start with how the volunteers are threatening her position here in the library heirarchy and the new branch manager is out to get her. A couple of months ago I complimented Miss D when she helped another senior access the internet and fill out unemployment forms. She comes back the next day with all of the certificates she's been presented for every computer course she's ever taken for the last fifteen years with a stern lecture from me on how she does know how to use the computer and she can prove it by golly!

Demented Miss D's Dizzying Decent into Disturbia

The Library Conglomerate revealed to it's employees today that we would be getting a %3.25 raise. Yeah! Let us rejoice! Then they backhanded us like a sweaty drunk in a sweat stained wifebeater by cutting all employees hours by %5. I mean why not just cut our hours by %2.75 and call it a day already! Why the bait and switch?

Well, the library system is all a buzz with this new revelation and it's employees are trying to figure out how to adjust to the change. And so starts the Demented Miss D's short trip across that mental street from the corner of semi-stable and sane to the corner of disaster and dementia. Like a wolverine protecting a fresh kill Miss D went right into attack mode. She started with accusing the volunteers of doing her work and as a result the management having to reduce her hours. She said this in front of a volunteer none the less! Although I told her it's happening to everybody and that volunteers have nothing to do with it. I believe she was truly in paranoia mode and was not to be reasoned with. Sometime later Miss D. comes to the realization that it must be our part-time Branch Manager that's out to get her. Again I try to direct her to the avenue of sanity by the way of reason blvd. but alas, she's not going to be coralled. I'm waiting with baited breath to see who she blames next...