Saturday, July 14, 2007
The Demented Miss D and the Phone Number Conspiracy
The Demented Miss D is at it again. This is a woman who in the past has talked to dead fish. She never shuts up and now is making less and less sense. I worked along side her at the circ desk this afternoon for about an hour and a half. There were a few times when the desk was free of patrons and I would have to walk away for a minute or two to take some deep cleansing breaths. My blood pressure always spikes when I'm in earshot of the sound of her voice. Today a jovial patron is on his way out when he leans over the counter and says "Did you know that the last four digits of your phone number is the number of feet in a mile?" OH DEAR GOD this tidbit of trivia fires up Miss D and in true dementia form she stalks over to the Reference Desk to see if it is true. Unfortunately, it is true and she could not get her mind off the whole concept. Then the barrage of questions ensued - for example: " Why would the library sytem do something like that?" and "Do you think the people at administration did that on purpose?"or "What about are other branches? Do you think they would have done something like this to them?" As if it was a freakin' conspiracy. At the end of the day all I could do was crawl into the fetal position and whimper.
Thursday, July 12, 2007
Tender Library Moments
We have so many special patrons here at SoCal that I will never be able to truly do justice to all of them with this blog.
Some notable patrons are:
Buttcrackman.
A senior of immense proprotions who looks like he could be carrying full term sextuplets. Buttcrackman always gives the public a spectacular view of the deep valley between his buttcheeks. There are times when as I pass him and accidentally glance into the deep valley of his buttcrack and wonder is he wearing any underwear? Then the image of him going commando makes me want to strike out my mind's eye again and again and again. There are times when his pants slip so low while he is sitting on his chair that I wonder if he is actually wearing pants. The only thing about him that is as disturbing as his rear is the cottage cheese that oozes out from under his too short, dirty polo shirts. He never fails to adress the individual staff members as "Young Ladies" and repeatedly gives us grief over the rules regarding the use of the Internet. He once took it upon himself to council a grieving coworker after her husband had passed away. Letting her know that he was aware that she had "needs". He illustrated his view by telling her a little story about when his father had passed on. Recalling the fact that his mother only waited 3 weeks prior to making sure her "needs" were met with another man.
Flip Flop Man.
A short squat man of middle years Flip Flop Man is a long time patron of the SoCal Library. As you can imagine from his name Flip Flop Man wears only flip flops. He has never to the best of my knowledge worn any other type of foot covering, ever... Flip Flop man used to make flirtaous comments to the staff back in the day that freaked the staff out to no end. That has thankfully ceased due to intervention from the management. Flip Flop man now comes in and checks out only juvenile non-fiction.
Moses Vargas.
Moses Vargas is one of those eriely quiet teens. There are times when I could easily imagine Moses losing his frail grip on sanity and mowing us all down with an ak-47. Okay, He looks normal enough but has this obession for manga that has crossed the border of strange and has entered into the land of mental defect. He is also the brother of Ruben. Known collectively as the Vargas Brothers, Moses is tall and lean Ruben is short and stocky. We find their relationship a strange, strange thing. They never seem to speak to each other or even make eye contact. Although both are introverts, Ruben has not yet found his true obsession yet. But I digress -Moses's name isn't actually Moses. He earned that moniker when he started bringing his big five foot stick to the library. When questioned about his big stick he stated that he carried it for "religous reasons". As a result there were many jokes about the parting of the Red Sea. Unfortunately for us he desperately wants to work at the library- perhaps to better fulfill his need for manga. Thanks to Elle's return from library hell we will not be interviewing for new page candidates. So as long as the staff doesn't get in the way of his acquision of manga materials
we co-exist peacefully.
Native Son -
Native Son was one of our most beloved patrons. He was a man proud of his native american heritage. He was polite, courteous, followed all the rules of the library. For years the staff adored him. Then, one day a woman came up to us and let us know that there was a man who was perusing child pornography at one of the computers facing the children's area. Yup. It was Native Son. We were sad, he was supposed to be one of the good ones. He knew better! In the blink of an eye he became persona non grata at the library. Especially, since he wouldn't stop viewing scantily clad little girls... Later he was banned from using the library's computers entirely.
J.C. the Third
J.C. the Third has been a regular patron for a very long time. He's a caucasian older version of Moses with lots of facial plumage sans stick. A Geek of the old school he is a Sci Fi fanatic and feels it is the library's sole mission to purchase obscure science fiction titles for him. He constantly comes in with this superior "you owe" me attitude which I find not only annoying but repelling in the extreme.
"The Tender Moment"
I witnessed from my excellent vantage point at the circ desk, Moses leaving the building and J.C. the Third entering the building. Moses and J.C. the Third intersected each other and practically embrace like old high school sweethearts. It was like watching an episode of "Jackass" you couldn't believe it yet there it was. J.C. the Third took Moses literally "under his wing" and proceeded to have a conversation right in front of me. As if there were no one else in the building. J.C. decieded to impart to Moses the wisdom of his experience. The whole display was making me slightly nauseous and I kept thinking that I would not be suprised to see the headlines of the local paper shouting " Local SoCal Resident Arrested for Torrid Sexual Relationship with Teen!" The whole episode was surreal in the extreme.
Some notable patrons are:
Buttcrackman.
A senior of immense proprotions who looks like he could be carrying full term sextuplets. Buttcrackman always gives the public a spectacular view of the deep valley between his buttcheeks. There are times when as I pass him and accidentally glance into the deep valley of his buttcrack and wonder is he wearing any underwear? Then the image of him going commando makes me want to strike out my mind's eye again and again and again. There are times when his pants slip so low while he is sitting on his chair that I wonder if he is actually wearing pants. The only thing about him that is as disturbing as his rear is the cottage cheese that oozes out from under his too short, dirty polo shirts. He never fails to adress the individual staff members as "Young Ladies" and repeatedly gives us grief over the rules regarding the use of the Internet. He once took it upon himself to council a grieving coworker after her husband had passed away. Letting her know that he was aware that she had "needs". He illustrated his view by telling her a little story about when his father had passed on. Recalling the fact that his mother only waited 3 weeks prior to making sure her "needs" were met with another man.
Flip Flop Man.
A short squat man of middle years Flip Flop Man is a long time patron of the SoCal Library. As you can imagine from his name Flip Flop Man wears only flip flops. He has never to the best of my knowledge worn any other type of foot covering, ever... Flip Flop man used to make flirtaous comments to the staff back in the day that freaked the staff out to no end. That has thankfully ceased due to intervention from the management. Flip Flop man now comes in and checks out only juvenile non-fiction.
Cat Box Lady
Cat Box Lady appears to be a well groomed middle-age woman whose internal fashion clock stopped in 1985. She uses the library once every week like clockwork. She always appears well groomed and seems like a nice person if you can make it pass the eau du dirty cat box essence that seems roll off her body like waves of raw sewage. Unfortunatley for us all of the brand new books she returns reek of her special parfum du cat poop. I have even had the misfortune to find loose kitty litter gravel between some of the pages of her returned books. As a result we have had to institute an intense deoderization process for all library materials returned by Cat Box Lady. This process includes placing several febreeze scented dryer sheets between the pages of each book and sealing them for up to a week in an airtight container. It works. It really, really works.
Romance Guy
Another man at the back end of a midlife crisis is Romance Guy. He is a harmless individual. Clean cut and white of hair he would come in every week and pick out romance novels. He would always check out the bodice rippers (historical romances) and say that they were for his mom. Needless to say we were a bit skeptical especially when we spotted him on a bench reading Captive of My Desires by Johanna Lindsey. It is believed that Romance Guy and Flip Flop Man attended the same high school as in the past they have been verry chummy.
Mr. Philip Moss
The notorious Philip Moss is both a creature of the morning and of habit. Mr. Philip Moss is an old, short, scrawny, bitter man who is always the first patron through the door. He can be a pain in our collective asses especially if there isn't an available computer or newspaper for him to use. There have been librarians who have wanted to install a remote activated chair taser system to zap his scrawny ass every morning. Unfortunately we have not yet had the go ahead to fund this project.
The Wasserman
The Wasserman is a patron of legend. It's difficult to fully articulate all the horror and evil that make up the Wasserman. From what we have been able to unearth in our painfull and horror filled dealings with her is that she is a local high school teacher specializing in ESL students. She is a small, thin woman with a boheimian taste in clothing. Her secret weapon is her rapier tongue. She has made at least 3 staff members break out in tears with her abusive and caustic language. She never uses profanity but knows exactly what to say to wreak havoc among the staff. She also once sang the song " You Are My Sunshine" at the top of her lungs at the Circulation Desk because we were taking too long to see to her library needs. I've always felt that the Wasserman could use some chemical enhancement - lithium perhaps. We find it appropriate that the Wasserman is also the name of a VD Test. Thankfully we have not had a Wasserman sighting for many a month.Moses Vargas.
Moses Vargas is one of those eriely quiet teens. There are times when I could easily imagine Moses losing his frail grip on sanity and mowing us all down with an ak-47. Okay, He looks normal enough but has this obession for manga that has crossed the border of strange and has entered into the land of mental defect. He is also the brother of Ruben. Known collectively as the Vargas Brothers, Moses is tall and lean Ruben is short and stocky. We find their relationship a strange, strange thing. They never seem to speak to each other or even make eye contact. Although both are introverts, Ruben has not yet found his true obsession yet. But I digress -Moses's name isn't actually Moses. He earned that moniker when he started bringing his big five foot stick to the library. When questioned about his big stick he stated that he carried it for "religous reasons". As a result there were many jokes about the parting of the Red Sea. Unfortunately for us he desperately wants to work at the library- perhaps to better fulfill his need for manga. Thanks to Elle's return from library hell we will not be interviewing for new page candidates. So as long as the staff doesn't get in the way of his acquision of manga materials
we co-exist peacefully.
Native Son -
Native Son was one of our most beloved patrons. He was a man proud of his native american heritage. He was polite, courteous, followed all the rules of the library. For years the staff adored him. Then, one day a woman came up to us and let us know that there was a man who was perusing child pornography at one of the computers facing the children's area. Yup. It was Native Son. We were sad, he was supposed to be one of the good ones. He knew better! In the blink of an eye he became persona non grata at the library. Especially, since he wouldn't stop viewing scantily clad little girls... Later he was banned from using the library's computers entirely.
J.C. the Third
J.C. the Third has been a regular patron for a very long time. He's a caucasian older version of Moses with lots of facial plumage sans stick. A Geek of the old school he is a Sci Fi fanatic and feels it is the library's sole mission to purchase obscure science fiction titles for him. He constantly comes in with this superior "you owe" me attitude which I find not only annoying but repelling in the extreme.
"The Tender Moment"
I witnessed from my excellent vantage point at the circ desk, Moses leaving the building and J.C. the Third entering the building. Moses and J.C. the Third intersected each other and practically embrace like old high school sweethearts. It was like watching an episode of "Jackass" you couldn't believe it yet there it was. J.C. the Third took Moses literally "under his wing" and proceeded to have a conversation right in front of me. As if there were no one else in the building. J.C. decieded to impart to Moses the wisdom of his experience. The whole display was making me slightly nauseous and I kept thinking that I would not be suprised to see the headlines of the local paper shouting " Local SoCal Resident Arrested for Torrid Sexual Relationship with Teen!" The whole episode was surreal in the extreme.
Tuesday, July 10, 2007
SoCal's Quiznos Epicenter of Evil
We have made a momentous discovery! The Quizno's just up the street from the SoCal Library is an epicenter of evil. At first we were in denial but we can no longer avoid the truth. Evil gathers at the popular sandwich shop, thankfully with no purpose. One of my coworkers loves to eat at Quizno's several times a week and as a result is facinated by the minons of evil and their conversations:
"The Evil of Organized Religon"
You have to understand that my friend can be a religous fanatic magnet. As long as I have known her the religous nuts love to persecute her. One patron, we call "Jesus Boy" called her "of the Devil" because she got between his sermonizing to a couple of Mormon Missionaries. Which is kind of ironic. One day when my coworker arrived at the sandwich shop it was inundated with men. She chatted with a couple of men in line with her and found out that there was a men's fundamentalist Christian conference in the area. As they chatted the men mentioned that about two thousand of their bretheren were praying for peace during this conference. My coworker mentioned that she had attended the Rose Bowl and that it was attended by forty-five thousand Catholics also praying for peace. They said "That's nice. God is really doing miracles today" but their body language and tone of voice screamed "You whore of Babylon!" As the sandwich staff rung up her order it came to a total of six dollars and sixty-six cents... yes $6.66 which she points out to the men behind her jokingly. She is met with dead silence. Obviously this is a sign that she is the Devil's Minion. She takes her meal outside to one of the tables when the men in line behind her sit at the table next to her. She is facinated by their conversation as one man is complaining about how the economy goes into the toilet every time legislation was passed concerning abortion rights. The other talks about how driving a SUV is costing him a ton of money in gas everday and how his car payment is sooo expensive. They seemed to think that God will only work in this world as long as abortion isn't legalized. As the men were getting ready to leave my friend told them to have a good day and pray for peace. In response one of the men replied that there will be no peace in this country as it has been ordained! My friend replies "You mean Revelations? I was taught that the events in Revelations had already occured." His reply was that she was taught wrong. As they were leaving she realized they could very easily have read the title of the book she was reading J.A. Jance's Web of Evil.
"The Evil of Organized Religon"
You have to understand that my friend can be a religous fanatic magnet. As long as I have known her the religous nuts love to persecute her. One patron, we call "Jesus Boy" called her "of the Devil" because she got between his sermonizing to a couple of Mormon Missionaries. Which is kind of ironic. One day when my coworker arrived at the sandwich shop it was inundated with men. She chatted with a couple of men in line with her and found out that there was a men's fundamentalist Christian conference in the area. As they chatted the men mentioned that about two thousand of their bretheren were praying for peace during this conference. My coworker mentioned that she had attended the Rose Bowl and that it was attended by forty-five thousand Catholics also praying for peace. They said "That's nice. God is really doing miracles today" but their body language and tone of voice screamed "You whore of Babylon!" As the sandwich staff rung up her order it came to a total of six dollars and sixty-six cents... yes $6.66 which she points out to the men behind her jokingly. She is met with dead silence. Obviously this is a sign that she is the Devil's Minion. She takes her meal outside to one of the tables when the men in line behind her sit at the table next to her. She is facinated by their conversation as one man is complaining about how the economy goes into the toilet every time legislation was passed concerning abortion rights. The other talks about how driving a SUV is costing him a ton of money in gas everday and how his car payment is sooo expensive. They seemed to think that God will only work in this world as long as abortion isn't legalized. As the men were getting ready to leave my friend told them to have a good day and pray for peace. In response one of the men replied that there will be no peace in this country as it has been ordained! My friend replies "You mean Revelations? I was taught that the events in Revelations had already occured." His reply was that she was taught wrong. As they were leaving she realized they could very easily have read the title of the book she was reading J.A. Jance's Web of Evil.
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