The Bio-Electromagnetic Salmon

I'm working the reference desk tonight when a man comes up and asks me to print out an article for him from a link he printed off a webpage. Okay, no problem. That is until the link turns out to be broken. In fact all of the links from this webpage are broken. I then realize that the webpage is about conspiracy theories and the subject he's interested in is ...mind control.

OH CRAP.

Another unstable patron.

Because, that's just what I ordered.

Yup, one unstable patron with a side of crazy.

First it starts with the paranormal, with a side of mind control, and Eldon Byrd - a scientist that worked on weapon systems for the U.S in the late 60's and 70's. After I find whatever I can on those subjects Mr. Conspiracy starts spiraling into fragmented obscurity and it just gets worse. I just can't win. Mr. Conspiracy now wants schematics and instructions on how to create his own bio-electromagnetic weapon.

I mean REALLY.

But wait it gets better...

Then asks me to check to see if he could pick-up or order a bio-electromagnetic weapon at his local Radioshack.

Why.

Why me.

It's my Friday!

Oh for Goodness sake!

Then Mr. Conspiracy wants articles on how radio waves affect the brain and subliminal warfare.

It's just too creepy.

And the weirdness just keeps coming.

The entire time this guy is at the Reference desk he keeps fanning himself lazily with one of the free publications we give out (although it's like 68 degrees in the building). Every once in a while he'll slap the publication down on the reference desk like he's the feurer addressing Nazi Germany during WWII. He's also got red rimmed eyes that make me want to bathe in disenfectant in case he's got a case of pink eye. Arghh..... I directed him to our science section in the 500's and that's kept him busy for a while but like Salmon wanting to spawn he would regularly fight his way back up to the reference desk for more information on his...quest for what? World Domination? Yuk.

Fraud and the Evil Library User

Fraud (frôd) n.
1. A deception deliberately practiced in order to secure unfair or unlawful gain.
2. A piece of trickery; a trick.
3. One that defrauds; a cheat.
4. One who assumes a false pose; an impostor.




The library system has inplemented a new system that makes getting a library card even more convienent. How so? The masses can now apply for library cards online!



Oh yes!



Online!



Often times I am unreceptive to change and negative in the face of impending change. I often violently express my feelings and opinions to my B.M.

It's a failing.

I know.

I should be a mindless happy worker bee, a yes girl, a stepford librarian, or at least a weary seen-it-all librarian beaten down by "The Man".



I have to wonder what management is thinking. Do they just think up an idea and implement it - just because? How much planning and forethought go into an idea before they just decide to implement it. I just find it odd that management has seen fit to allow the unwashed masses to apply for a card online, place books and other material on reserve online, allow patrons to pay for fines/fees online



and yet,



has not implemented the ability



to pay fines and fees with a debit/credit card



or



have wireless access in a majority of the branches.



At least not at our branch. There are times when I think the library system is the physical embodiment of the term oxymoron.

Is it just me?



This whole online library card business is no exception.



Okay,

Okay,



In theory the whole concept of"applying" for a library card online seems innovative and kind of cool. If you live in a crazy land. I mean come on. Drawbacks people.



Drawback #1 - Management is notorious for not informing the staff regarding new proceedures or when it implements new policies. (it's never a good thing when patron's know more about what's going on than staff )



Drawback #2 - The online process does not make clear that library staff will need to see identification with address verification. Big Fat Library Administration Stupid Heads!
We've already had a patron in tears over this one! Staff had to be the bad guys and say no, you can't get a card because you don't have the proper I.D.



Drawback #3 - Online card registration makes it easy for people to commit fraud. 'Cause you can apply as Abe Lincoln if'n you want.



It's already started... We had a regular patron create a library account online. She used her name and tried to use her son's California I.D. number. She already has two cards with a combined overdue fine of $120.00! She's also abused her son's libray card. How not cool is that? If she had not been helped by a staff member who remembered that she already had a card with us - with massive overdue fines she would have gotten away with it! Call me jaded. But it's just wrong. She's already committed identity theft and attempted to commit fraud. People go to jail for fraud and identity theft but you know we will never hold her accountable.


Evil Library User.

A Library is not Staples.....

Cry me a freakin' river.

It drives me absolutely bonkers when Patrons expect us to open up our supply cabnets for office supplies.

Arghhh... Another patron came in expecting us to provide a folder for her offspring's report. What does this say about the public ability to be prepared? I am constantly suprised when someone gets into a car without their Driver's License, or when they walk into the building with out their library card. As for this patron in particular, I let her beg a folder off the Branch Manager. He can say yea or nay about whether of not it's appropriate to give away our library system's supplies to the public. My generocity stops at paper clips, use of our 3 ring hole punch, use of our stapler, pencils and tape. I mean when is enough...well enough? Do they want us to open up a vein or what?

I so need a vacation...

Kentucky Cell Phone Triangle

It's amazing what intensely personal things people will store on their cell phones and other electronic devices. One Thursday evening I was helping someone on the reference desk when out of the blue someone's cell phone rings right next to me. I jumped and located a nondescript cell phone and shut if off so as not to disturb the other patrons. Oh yes, someone has lost yet another cell phone in the library. You'd be amazed at how many of the things are left in public places. I am more amazed at how many people don't seem to make finding their lost cell phones a priority. Now if I was the person who lost this particular cell phone I'd be frantic to get it back. I'd like to think that we go the extra mile to return someone's lost property. This cell phone was no different. I asked one of our pages to try and contact the owner of the cell phone and get it back to them as she is the most technologically advanced texter I know. She turns on the cell phone and is not able to find any contacts with any names attached to any of them. So she checks out the pictures and text portion of the cell phone and finds a plethera of....porn. Yup, you bet Porn with a capitol P. With plenty of pictures of women of every shape and size ( and I do mean every shape and every size ) with out a stitch on sometimes doing extremely intimate...acts and sometimes with...O.O.U.S's or objects of unusual size. Then she discovered the videos...with...sound. I mean it's somehow worse with sound. Especially with your male Branch Manager standing behind you looking over your shoulder. Our B.M. ended up calling one of the numbers on the recent call list and someone picked up from Kentucky. I guess this guy knew the owner of the cell phone o' porn only as "Raggedy Ass". The Kentucky Cohort also knew the name and number of "Raggedy Ass's" favorite hang out. Go figure. The Kentucky Cohort called the local hang out and the guy ended up being a regular patron we see here a lot which freaked us out. You just never know. Who's the closet transvestite, Pedophile or dirty old man - and most of the time ignorance is truly bliss...

Heroin Chic....Heroin Chick...

I never really witnessed someone who exuded Heroin Chic until recently. I was working the circulation desk on Monday when an emaciated woman minced in. I didn't notice her at first so much as the massive invisible wave of nicotine that preceeded her entrance. Nicotine must have been leeching from her system in such large quantities as to become an actual physical presence around her. I have only witnessed one other person with that kind of Nicotine presence and that was Mr. Ho, stalker and professional mental patient extraordinaire. After overcomming the effects of the nicotive wave I was brought to another realization. She was an actual...well...'Ho. Many women walk in dressed like a 'ho and talk like a 'ho, but this patron was the real deal. A bondafide professional 'ho. It actually took me a moment to figure it out. Skimpy clothing...check, painfull looking shoes....check....blank drugged out expression...check. Wow. I mean I've seen them from afar in the "Bad Part of Town" on "That" Street but never have I just looked at one and thought oh, she's a prostitute.

Lost with Soundtrack

J.C. the third came in to pay for a lost book. This in itself is suspect as J.C. III is known for his frugality. Never one to willingly pay an overdue fine much less for the current list price for an actual book. In the past he has requested that the SoCal library buy obscure sci-fi and fantasy titles so that he could read them with out having to purchase them.When someone wants to pay for a book Circ staff does not look forward to the paperwork involved. It sucks for us as well as for the patron. It's a pretty intricate process what with all the forms that need to be filled out in triplicate no less. You'd think they were buying a car! And we are busy, by Golly! Other patrons look down upon us for taking so long what with the paper work and reciept giving. There are times when a patron pays for a book that isn't really lost. In these instances there are usually two types of patrons who do that. The first type are the Religious Nuts. R.N.'s are patrons who check out books on witchcraft and other "devil books" with the knowledge that they will not be returning them. Such books I imagine are often burnt. I had a couple of missionaries let me know that it's common practice among their contemporaries. They will check out a book like Buckland's Guide to Witchcraft and then roast a few marshmellow's over the burning carcass of our intellectual rights. The other type is the Obscure Book Lover. OBL's will covet the last known copy of a book by some obscure author of which we are the only library that has it in our collection. They check out the book and then claim they "lost" it in order to make it forever theirs. I believe J.C. III to be an OBL. The big clue was when Ms Nadine was trying to complete the myraid of paperwork required for J.C. III to recompense us for "losing" the book. He was just way too chipper to be laying down cold hard cash for a library book and he was also accepting responsibility. With few exceptions patrons will never, ever take responsibility for lost or overdue books. It's always gotta be the Library's fault. I think what makes this experience exceptional for the staff is when as the line to check out gets longer and longer J.C. III starts giving Ms. Nadine a booktalk about the book as well as serenading her with the "original songs" included within....the lost book. ARGHHH!

The Demented Miss D and her Balls of Steel

I'm suprised Miss D can walk with the large balls of steel nestled betwixt her legs. I mean she should at the very least waddle. At first glance Miss D seems like a very sweet old lady but looks can be deceiving. It all started with the reduction of hours taking place in June. Mr. Useless, our branch manager, took down the master schedule and did a preliminary change so that staff could get an idea of how the reduction effect everyone. Instead of putting up an accurate schedule that, god forbid, reflects the current state of affairs he puts the adjusted going into effect June schedule back up. Miss D takes one look at that schedule this morning and goes into Freak Mode. She starts with her signature muttering and asking the staff repeatedly "Who changed my schedule!?" " Who has the authority to change my schedule!?" Mr. Useless only works at our branch Monday, Wednesday and a half day on Friday so of course he's not able to diffuse the situation because he's at the MoCal branch. Miss Raiko, our 2nd in command is out sick until mid June, Miss Penelope is doing story time and craft with her usual 75 kids and I have yet to come in because I'm working the closing shift. Unbeknownst to the rest of the staff Miss D. has tried to call Mr. Useless's cell phone, our old regional manager, and finally calls Mr. Big Cheese himself when she she doesn't get the snappy results she expects. I enter the back room as she is making the call to Mr. Big Cheese and stare at her in stupification once I realize what she's doing. There are certain things you should never ever do, for instance; spitting in the wind, ramming a police car, baiting a rabid dog, eating questionalble shellfish, washing your hands after using the bathroom, etc... Well yeah, you could do these things but it's really not recommended. By calling Mr. Big Cheese and discussing a branch issue with him she's put her employment status in a potentially dangerous position. If Mr. Big Cheese finds out that Miss D is well... of diminished capacity, he could push for her termination. As it is she is not able to work the circulation desk at all and told Mr. Big Cheese. We'd love for her to be able to take up of the circ desk slack but she brings chaos to the front desk just by walking next to it. When she actually worked the circ desk she created so much confusion and destruction I was tempted to start drinking on the job. Regular patrons would ask to be helped by anyone other than Miss D. One female patron almost burst into tears at the very thought of having Miss D. help her because Miss D. made her feel like a criminal. (don't ask me why) According to Miss D. the conversation was short and she expressed her concerns about the whole schedule conspiracy. Miss D. was satisfied because she got a difinitive answer from the Biggest of Bosses which was to disregard the changes on the schedule and talk to Mr. Useless.