Saturday, January 31, 2009
A Short Bus Kind of Day
Yup, today was a short but kind of day at the Reference Desk. Everyone that came up to the reference desk asked not only those stupid kinds of questions, for instance - "I need a book on grapes for my science project" or "What Time is it?" While staring at the wall clock and you jusk knew- knew it was because they couldn't read an analog clock. What do they teach children these days? But others masquerading as autistic children, unable to comunicate with the outside world had to come and see me at the reference desk. I had a kid who needed help logging onto the computer. Usually, and in this case as well I talk them through the process hoping and that they will learn more by doing than by just watching. Most of the time this process seems to work - not today though. Today it took freaking forever for this kid to follow the most basic and simple set of instructions. It was like teaching a duck how to read braille. At one point I wondered if he understood the English language. Just when I was about to break my own rule and just "do it for him" - he get's it. Finally, I think to myself, he's out of my hair. But alas, it's not to be. After I show him how to read his reservation reciept which tells him A. What computer he's on and B. When his reservation time is - he comes back to me and says "Somebody's on my computer" I give myself a mental headsmack and tell him that he has a reservation in one hour and fifty-five minutes. His reply "but somebody's on my computer" nothing seems to get through to this kid, nothing. It's not like he's five or anything. If takes a full five minutes of giving him the same freaking answer phased differently each and every time and I still don't think he truly "got" the whole concept of - dude you'll have to wait your turn. Civilization is doomed.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Another Performer's Showcase
Yes, yet again I got to go to another Performer's Showcase. This showcase was in a spectacular venue close to home, in my city's brand spanking new cultural center. I think they could have it at the Sistine Chapel and it would still have the same soul sucking effect on me. The venue had all the pristine shiney-ness of a newly minted penny as well as great food and decent breaks - but still I was only half alive when I left. I think it's just the whole thought of OMG I'm going to have to start thinking of SRP and it's only January! As well as the sheer number of people performing that has that life sucking effect. As I sat in the well appointed theatre I was forced to witness some truly gratingly horrifying performances. What amazes me it that these awful performers are willing to come to - yes! your library for a paltry $350-$475 and strut their stuff for your patrons. I mean really, do they not have friends that live within the bounds of reality? At one point I thought for a moment I'd start breaking out in hives when one woman did a startling reinactment of a scene in Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice in full costume. (Of Course) I mean what 3rd grader is going to be all over that this summer!?
The Dizzing Deductions of the Demented Miss D
Bubble Trouble
At this time all of the staff is female at SoCal Library. As a result we talk a lot about - well men... During a staff birthday party Ms Patrick and I were involved in a man themed discussion. We were discussing the Man bubble bath phenomenon. We noticed that a lot of men we knew enjoyed taking bubble baths including Ms. Patrick's husband. During our discussion Ms. Patrick informed us that she knew that Alan Greenspan goes over financial information in the bath and would stay there for hours. At the end of the discussion Miss D gave Ms. Patrick a piercing glare and stated " Boy Ms. Patrick, you sure do get around!"
At this time all of the staff is female at SoCal Library. As a result we talk a lot about - well men... During a staff birthday party Ms Patrick and I were involved in a man themed discussion. We were discussing the Man bubble bath phenomenon. We noticed that a lot of men we knew enjoyed taking bubble baths including Ms. Patrick's husband. During our discussion Ms. Patrick informed us that she knew that Alan Greenspan goes over financial information in the bath and would stay there for hours. At the end of the discussion Miss D gave Ms. Patrick a piercing glare and stated " Boy Ms. Patrick, you sure do get around!"
Beware of the Pretty People!
Miss D. is in a state about our branch manager retiring. She in constant worry mode regarding her ability to keep her job during these "uncertain times". As a result she often voices her theories regarding our branch manager's replacement. So far her biggest worry is that they will hire someone "Pretty". Yes, she is worried about the "Pretty" people. I'm not sure why - I get the impression that she thinks that if HR hires a "Pretty" branch manager that Branch manager will want Miss D gone. Maybe the whole birds of a feather theory? Miss D gave me a reasurring pep talk telling me emphatically that and I quote " Oh you won't have anything to worry about because you're smart."
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Gender Unknown
More and more often as the years to by I see patrons enter these hallowed halls of information and have to wonder... is that a dude or a chick? Just because a patron has facial hair doesn't rule out the XX chomosome. With all the hormonal imbalances that occur in the human body you could be looking at an unaltered bearded lady. Are those man breasts or an unfettered c-cup? Pregnancy or a beer belly? Low gravely voice? Could be a 2 pack a day smoker. Sam, Pat, Chris? Dear Lord what's a librarian to do if gender becomes an issue during the course of a reference interview? Here's a couple of he/she's who have crossed my path:
Mrs. Boy George - aka Chris. (I kid you not! We couldn't even get a break with the first name!) We figure she was an actual well...she... but to this day we are still unsure. Mrs. Boy George would come in every day, get on the computer, print and generally obsess about - you guessed it everything Boy George (a pop icon from the 80's for those who were born yesterday.) During his/her - oh bother! stay she would compliment the more full figured reference staff members on their appearance. Which freaked us out. I mean being gender unspecific, a Boy George Stalker and a chubby chaser. Ewwww...
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
A Decade in Review 1998-2008....
My Branch Manager's or "BM" is retiring next month. After 10 years of working as the head honcho at our little SoCal Branch she's calling it quits and moving on to more relaxing pursuits. She's the best BM I've ever had - wait that didn't sound quite right did it? As her last day draws near other staff members and myself reminise on all the people and experiences we've had.
Secret of the Sleeping Lady
To this day this story has been a closely guarded secret between a few of the senior staff members.
Our staff is usually very methodical. After having the alarm set off by patrons that were left in the library after closing - we got to be extra careful. Especially when the fear of got is put into you by your Branch Manager. At the end of the day a staff member is responsible for touring the facility to make sure all patrons have departed prior to locking the doors and well... leaving for the night. One Monday night we were so busy only a cursory check of the premises were made before staff locked the doors, set the alarm and left for the evening. A staff member who will remain nameless remembers our regular homeless lady taking a nap in the back of the library on one of our window bench seats. She was sleeping sitting up with her legs and arms crossed and her head dropped down on her chest. Evidently my coworker, who will not be named, forgot to wake her up and we set the alarm and left for the evening. When she will not be named came in bright and early the next morning she found said homeless lady in the same position still asleep. The homeless lady had not moved therefore had not set off the motion detectors and set off the alarm.
Library=Daycare
It's a well known fact that libraries are often the defacto drop spot for latchkey kids. Let's face it the public concensus is that libraries are a safe haven for their kids hang out in after school. What they fail to realize is that libraries can be wrought with gangs and thugs as well as pedophiles who believe that this facility is their version of Toy's R Us. The first year I worked here a kid was stabbed and almost bled to death on our carpet. Perhaps it would have been okay to leave your ten year old at the library after school fifty years ago but now? I wouldn't leave my worst enemy's offspring here alone much less mine. Okay, so it's not like we're South Central for goodness sake but we're definitly not Mayberry either. For instance - One early Saturday morning in my early years as a page I noticed that the only two patrons in the library were two Asian girls. One was five and the other was three. After a lot of gentle questioning we found out that their mom wanted to get her grocery shopping done and felt that she could leave her girls at the library while she did it. She put her five year old in charge of her three year old. I kid you not. Incredible but true.
Mr. Tilapia
Mr. Tilapia is a long time patron. For as long as I have worked at the SoCal branch Mr. T visits the library more regularly than my menstrual cycle. The first time I ever laid eyes on Mr. T- he walked in on a warm summer day with a long sleeve shirt, dark work pants, suspenders and tall rubber boots caked in cow crap. What appeared to be bird poop adorned his left shoulder and he wore a pair of dirty wire rimmed glasses that were taped together with layers of dirty scotch tape. Oh the memories! Oh the stench! I can recall his hair with it's receeding clown-like hairline adorned with dark kinky curls that was in a desperate need of a hair cut as well as a shampoo. Whenever Mr. T walked into the library I always had this inexplicable desire to present him with a bottle of Tide, a bar of Irish Spring and a stick of Mitchum and say " Please, please, become familar with these objects, make them your friend and most important of all use them and you to may be able to find a mate and procreate!" But alas I never grew the two sphere like appendages to make that desire a reality.
Mr. T has always been a very placid patron. His demeaner has always been calm and quiet with a monotone voice albeit with a startling tendency to wear oversized clunky boots - Mr. T's most disturbing habit for such a dirty, smelly man was his devotion to Martha Stewart Living, Gourmet, People and Good Housekeeping magazines. Of course there were times when he'd go on a tangent - for instance he had to check out all the wiccan books or all the books on roses or other unconventional topics for his age and gender. I thank all the dieties that exist when Mr. T took advantage of renewing his materials by phone- well let me tell you that was one of the best days of my life!
Mr. Hoe.
Mr. Hoe began some serious stalking which included writing to Sarah (one of our pages) this last year. So much of his writing was so alarming (he told Jesus to F**K himself) that the police had to be called in and a restraining order issued. One of our staff dreams of saying " Mr. Hoe. We're calling the Po Po."
Here are a few of our unsung saints of the Library - Long may they live!
Mrs. Rye Lars dam is one of our favorite patrons. She always waddles in on her walker (with the tennis ball footies) and calls the staff members such pet names as "squirrel, chipmunk, babydoll, and punkin' " (yes the deriviative of pumpkin) Mrs. Rye only checks out mysteries. If they don't bleed she don't read. Every year Mrs. Rye brings each staff member a mug of candied walnuts. Yes, we can be bought.
Mr. Winsteed is another favorite depending on which staff member you speak to. He is a retired educator who strangely enough does not require staff to give him special privleges due to his former status. Mr. W has a penchant for anything regarding Napoleonic War and often brings in brand new materials to donate.
Ms. Sharon is another of our favorite patrons. She is a die hard fan of Keanu Reaves - yet not freakishly so. She OMG follows all the library rules. Never complains about having to pay for her printing.
Staff 1998-2008 "the Highlights"
Secret of the Sleeping Lady
To this day this story has been a closely guarded secret between a few of the senior staff members.
Our staff is usually very methodical. After having the alarm set off by patrons that were left in the library after closing - we got to be extra careful. Especially when the fear of got is put into you by your Branch Manager. At the end of the day a staff member is responsible for touring the facility to make sure all patrons have departed prior to locking the doors and well... leaving for the night. One Monday night we were so busy only a cursory check of the premises were made before staff locked the doors, set the alarm and left for the evening. A staff member who will remain nameless remembers our regular homeless lady taking a nap in the back of the library on one of our window bench seats. She was sleeping sitting up with her legs and arms crossed and her head dropped down on her chest. Evidently my coworker, who will not be named, forgot to wake her up and we set the alarm and left for the evening. When she will not be named came in bright and early the next morning she found said homeless lady in the same position still asleep. The homeless lady had not moved therefore had not set off the motion detectors and set off the alarm.
Library=Daycare
It's a well known fact that libraries are often the defacto drop spot for latchkey kids. Let's face it the public concensus is that libraries are a safe haven for their kids hang out in after school. What they fail to realize is that libraries can be wrought with gangs and thugs as well as pedophiles who believe that this facility is their version of Toy's R Us. The first year I worked here a kid was stabbed and almost bled to death on our carpet. Perhaps it would have been okay to leave your ten year old at the library after school fifty years ago but now? I wouldn't leave my worst enemy's offspring here alone much less mine. Okay, so it's not like we're South Central for goodness sake but we're definitly not Mayberry either. For instance - One early Saturday morning in my early years as a page I noticed that the only two patrons in the library were two Asian girls. One was five and the other was three. After a lot of gentle questioning we found out that their mom wanted to get her grocery shopping done and felt that she could leave her girls at the library while she did it. She put her five year old in charge of her three year old. I kid you not. Incredible but true.
Mr. Tilapia
Mr. Tilapia is a long time patron. For as long as I have worked at the SoCal branch Mr. T visits the library more regularly than my menstrual cycle. The first time I ever laid eyes on Mr. T- he walked in on a warm summer day with a long sleeve shirt, dark work pants, suspenders and tall rubber boots caked in cow crap. What appeared to be bird poop adorned his left shoulder and he wore a pair of dirty wire rimmed glasses that were taped together with layers of dirty scotch tape. Oh the memories! Oh the stench! I can recall his hair with it's receeding clown-like hairline adorned with dark kinky curls that was in a desperate need of a hair cut as well as a shampoo. Whenever Mr. T walked into the library I always had this inexplicable desire to present him with a bottle of Tide, a bar of Irish Spring and a stick of Mitchum and say " Please, please, become familar with these objects, make them your friend and most important of all use them and you to may be able to find a mate and procreate!" But alas I never grew the two sphere like appendages to make that desire a reality.
Mr. T has always been a very placid patron. His demeaner has always been calm and quiet with a monotone voice albeit with a startling tendency to wear oversized clunky boots - Mr. T's most disturbing habit for such a dirty, smelly man was his devotion to Martha Stewart Living, Gourmet, People and Good Housekeeping magazines. Of course there were times when he'd go on a tangent - for instance he had to check out all the wiccan books or all the books on roses or other unconventional topics for his age and gender. I thank all the dieties that exist when Mr. T took advantage of renewing his materials by phone- well let me tell you that was one of the best days of my life!
Mr. Hoe.
Mr. Hoe began some serious stalking which included writing to Sarah (one of our pages) this last year. So much of his writing was so alarming (he told Jesus to F**K himself) that the police had to be called in and a restraining order issued. One of our staff dreams of saying " Mr. Hoe. We're calling the Po Po."
Here are a few of our unsung saints of the Library - Long may they live!
Mrs. Rye Lars dam is one of our favorite patrons. She always waddles in on her walker (with the tennis ball footies) and calls the staff members such pet names as "squirrel, chipmunk, babydoll, and punkin' " (yes the deriviative of pumpkin) Mrs. Rye only checks out mysteries. If they don't bleed she don't read. Every year Mrs. Rye brings each staff member a mug of candied walnuts. Yes, we can be bought.
Mr. Winsteed is another favorite depending on which staff member you speak to. He is a retired educator who strangely enough does not require staff to give him special privleges due to his former status. Mr. W has a penchant for anything regarding Napoleonic War and often brings in brand new materials to donate.
Ms. Sharon is another of our favorite patrons. She is a die hard fan of Keanu Reaves - yet not freakishly so. She OMG follows all the library rules. Never complains about having to pay for her printing.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Small Episode of Frustrating Porportions
I had a sneak attack from JR (janet rae) on the day before a long weekend at the end of my shift. She wanted Obama's current address. Not the contact information listed when he was a senator and not the White House. According to JR our esteemed President to be is living in an apartment in D.C. prior to starting his gig in the White House. Of course she wants that address. Thankfully I am smart enough not to ask her why. Although, perhaps she may have felt the need to send him a Christmas card. I just don't want to know. So I let her know I'll do my best and get back to her. I attempt to locate the address for an hour before giving up and calling her back. Of course her number doesn't accept blocked calls and I can't unblock our number at the branch. Arrrgh!!! I think that woman just lives to drive us nuts.
Demented Miss D celebrates a Practical Christmas
The Demented Miss D was processing magazines for the library. For some unknown reason a part of his process entails going through issues of Vogue, InStyle and Glamour and ripping out all of the perfume samples whilst muttering how she will never be able to afford even an ounce of whatever perfume she's currently sampling. Demented Miss D turns to me and asks me if I'm "cutting back" for the holidays. She doesn't give me time to answer before she launches into a diatribe about how she and her daughter aren't really exchanging gifts this year because the economy is so bad. She is going to get a car cover for her circa 1980's white toyota because her kitty ripped her old one. She informed me that her daughter thought Miss D needed a new mattress. Miss D let me know that she told her daughter in no uncertain terms " Why would I need a new mattress! When I die I'll just poop all over it anyway." That's are Demented Miss D - celebrating a Practical Christmas....
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