Cat Box Lady and the Quest for the Magic Unstinking Formula

We've recently had a patron complain about the febreze freshness of some of our new books. Basically, the scent makes her yak. Of course it's only those titles previously in the possession of the Cat Box Lady. I have to admit that although the dryer sheet deodorization process is only somewhat sucessful as it only masks the stench from about 1 foot away. After that the underlaying notes of cat doo is really very apparent. This summer Cat Box Lady has been making more and more appearances at our little library as a result more books checked out ie. more odor in the "New" Book section. So, yours truly went on a quest to find a new more effective solution. So after months of experimentation that would make a 7th grade science teacher proud I found a process that although takes longer - really seems to work not only on Cat Box Lady books but only the books returned by smokers as well. The process is relatively simple:





1. Mark your stench laden books damaged (in case some one wants to request that specific title)





2. Clean the outside of the books and replace clear covers if necessary (only if the cover looks bad due to wear and tear)





3. Take a Gigantic Box of Baking Soda and cut out 1 side of the box leaving a 1/2 inch to a 1 inch lip. (Make sure to cut the side with the most surface area)





4. Cover the cut side of the Gigantic Box of Baking Soda with a double or triple layer of cheese cloth with a hot glue gun.





5. Place the Gigantic Box or Boxes of Baking Soda cheese cloth side up in a plastic or cardboard box (copy paper boxes work well



6. Loosely place olfactory offensive library materials in box and seal.



7. Do not open for at least two weeks.



8. After at least two weeks take books out do a "sniff" test. If the books smell odor free - you have successfully completed the deodorization process. If not put back in and leave for at least another week.



P.S. After successfully deoderizing materials I like put the books in another box with cotton balls scented with essential oils for three days to give it an even a "fresher scent".

Buttcrackman learns to read

Buttcrackman has strikes the unsuspecting yet again.


Our literacy coordinator, who is fairly new, was contacted by Buttcrackman.

She does not interact with the majority of our patron's so she is not familiar with our more colorful clientele. Buttcrackman contacted her on the phone and wants to become a literacy learner. Which she thinks means he wants to be matched with a tutor and learn to read. Which in hindsight makes sense because I've never seen him check-out any type of library material other than DVD's - and only after asking the 16 year old female page if we carried any Adult Videos. Oh yes, he felt the library should have their own collection o' porn. It is my belief that he wants to be matched with some poor unsuspecting woman with whom he will try to entice into a compromising position of the carnal kind using his suave and debonair demeanor and stories of his sexcapades. (YAK) From what I understand during their inital phone interview our literacy coordinator asked Buttcrackman what types of reading material he felt comfortable reading ( ie. the newspaper, magazines, street signs, cereal boxes etc...) Buttcrackman's reply was "pornography" Our literacy coordinator didn't even blink an eye or point out the obvious - you watch pornography, you don't read it you sick bastard...

Newbies

We've had a couple of new patrons distinguish themselves in our little SoCal Library.

The "Queen of Sheeba"

• Q of S appears every day - day in and day out. She changes her bad hair pieces sporatically depending on her mood. Sometimes it's the braided hair piece that reminds me of the infamous gorgon of greek myth and other days it's the " oh! let's slap on a dead animal pelt" day. I'm sure even royalty would be ashamed at the way she expects the library staff to pander to her every whim. She wanted one staff member to place the coins she so carefully stacked in front of the copy machine into the copy machine slot. She expects never to wait in line because staff should take care of her first. She treats the reference staff like we are 411 and abuses the cell phone rules to the breaking point.

The Psycho Phone Lady

• P.P.L. is not exactly a "newbie" - she has appeared in the library sporatically undetected by library staff in the past. It took the staff a while to piece together the fact that P.P.L. was in fact a phone offender almost every reference staff member has encountered in the last few months. I have been aquainted with P.P.L. for quite a while. She's one of the irrational people who finds fault with the way staff answers the phone, how quickly reference staff answers her questions, the answers themselves seem to be always wrong and of course how impolite we are to her. She likes to complain and does so to our branch manager often, even about the branch manger herself. She called one of our most polite and professional reference staff a fat f**king b*tch. For someone so concerned with phone etiquette you would think she would learn to practice some herself. P.P.L. and her type never cease to amaze me at their idiocy. Has it never occured to them the there just might be something to the old saying " you get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar..."

Patron with no clue.

A patron calls on the phone and requests a book that her son needs for a book report.



Librarian : "What's the title of the book?"



Patron: "Prentice Hall."



Librarian: Silence.



Librarian: "I'm afraid that's the publisher of the book - not the book title. Do you have the author's name?"



Patron: "No. But we just need a story from that book."



Librarian: "Do you know the title of that story?"



Patron: "The Christmas Story"



Librarian: Deafening Silence



Sometimes it just doesn't pay to come to work.

Estranged Patrons

Sometimes it's hard to adjust yourself mentally to the people I like to call Estranged Patrons. That not so rare breed who haven't been in a library since "like ever" and haven't even the most basic library skills. For instance the Estranged Patron doen't know the difference between fiction and non-fiction or how to use an index. Let's not speak of a table of contents, it's just too painful.

Today I had a patron come up to me and ask me for help with the catalog computer.

" I don't know what this "M" means." she says. I studied the entry on the catalog computer and informed her that the "M" stands for mystery and that title was a mystery book. Her reply was "What's a mystery?" Trying to mentally adjust myself to her way of thinking and ultimately failing I said "No that means it's a mystery book." Her blank look prompted me to add - "You know a mystery book? Like Agatha Christie?" I notice still no dawning of knowlege in her eyes, so I continue on..."For instance a murder mystery or detective stories?" Her blank look continued. Then just when I think the knowlege of light has taken hold she said Ohhh so that means it's Science Fiction! Aren't those true books?

OMG.
Civilization is Doomed.

Is that a dinosaur?

Why me?


WHY ME!


I get all the challenged people.


Be it emotionally challenged, mentally challenged, etc.


Yesterday a woman approached the reference desk with her grandson's homework clutched in her hand. This sight gives me hope for at the very least this means I won't have to play a guessing game as to what the patron really needs.

Usually the patron has no clue.

The grandma approaches me and asks me for information on a specific lizard and gives me her grandson's homework. Grandma askes"Is the first part of this lizard's name is a dinosaur name?"

I study the paper in her hand taking a deep breath. "No ma'am an armadillo is an animal native to the southern region of the United States." Grandma looking at me in puzzlement as I look back in sheer amazement. Who doesn't know what an armadillo is? Trust me, grandma looked like she had a few miles on her. One would think that experience alone would be a teacher. But still who knew? Maybe she spent the majority of her life in a strange religous cult with a taboo on animals of the American Southwest. I pulled out books that contained information on the Armadillo Lizard of which one had a photo of said lizard. She takes one look at the photo and says "What's wrong with that lizard? Why does it look like that? How come it doesn't look like a normal lizard?" I peered at the photo and was inwardly banging my head against an imaginary brick wall. Feeling the begining of a headache I replied " This is named after an armadillo and armadillos are known for curling up into a ball when threatened to protect their soft underbellies. That's what the lizard in the picture is doing."



I kept thinking -


Oh God, this woman has passed on her genes to a new generation.

Mass Exodus 2008 and The Demented Miss D Strikes Out

There are some days, weeks, and even months where everything is so mundanely normal and the events of the day go undistinguished from one day to the next. Sure lots of changes have occured at the SoCal Library. We had a mass exodus of staff members the like I have not seen for the past decade. It seemed all the stars were in allignment for a large portion of the staff and they left us to do bigger and better things. So it's been a little crazy with so few staff - but the kind of boring crazy if you know what I mean. Then as usual, human resources dragged their feet ever so slowly when hiring replacement staff. What they don't seem to realize is that new hires don't come out of the box ready with the knowledge or skills to do their job, which in turn, takes away more staff to train them until they're ready to be on their own.



As a result of the "Mass Exodus" and all it entails the Demented Miss D has become agitated. Too many changes I guess. She actually struck out yesterday and this is what happened...



Raiko does the banking every day for like FREAKING EVER, and every day she let's us know when she's leaving the building and going to the bank. Yesterday was no exception. Raiko let Penelope know that she was leaving for the bank and because we have been so short staffed Penelope was manning the circulation desk at that time. The Demented Miss D, overhearing dove in to the conversation like a starving duck at a wonderbread bakery. Using her stern voice she told the Raiko that she should never ever announce out loud on the library floor that she was leaving for the bank! Someone would overhear the conversation and lay in wait for Raiko and steal the money bag! She could be assaulted! It's just not safe! (and yes in principle I think she made a valid point) It seemed that Miss D's volume when speaking made it possible for the entire library to clearly hear her every word. Which meant that if there were any unsavory characters in the library she just gave them a new idea. Miss D threw herself into lecture mode and proceeded to tell the girls that when Raiko had to go to the bank that she should pat Penelope on the butt on her way out and proceeded to demonstrate by smacking ( not patting ) Penelope on the ass in front of god and everybody with excessive force. Poor Penelope. As a compromise it has been agreed upon to use the code phrase "I'm going to the grocery store" in lieu of "I'm going to the bank." Of which Penelope's reply will be ... "pick me up a gallon of milk..."