The Demented Miss D and the Phone Number Conspiracy

The Demented Miss D is at it again. This is a woman who in the past has talked to dead fish. She never shuts up and now is making less and less sense. I worked along side her at the circ desk this afternoon for about an hour and a half. There were a few times when the desk was free of patrons and I would have to walk away for a minute or two to take some deep cleansing breaths. My blood pressure always spikes when I'm in earshot of the sound of her voice. Today a jovial patron is on his way out when he leans over the counter and says "Did you know that the last four digits of your phone number is the number of feet in a mile?" OH DEAR GOD this tidbit of trivia fires up Miss D and in true dementia form she stalks over to the Reference Desk to see if it is true. Unfortunately, it is true and she could not get her mind off the whole concept. Then the barrage of questions ensued - for example: " Why would the library sytem do something like that?" and "Do you think the people at administration did that on purpose?"or "What about are other branches? Do you think they would have done something like this to them?" As if it was a freakin' conspiracy. At the end of the day all I could do was crawl into the fetal position and whimper.

Tender Library Moments

We have so many special patrons here at SoCal that I will never be able to truly do justice to all of them with this blog.


Some notable patrons are:


Buttcrackman.

A senior of immense proprotions who looks like he could be carrying full term sextuplets. Buttcrackman always gives the public a spectacular view of the deep valley between his buttcheeks. There are times when as I pass him and accidentally glance into the deep valley of his buttcrack and wonder is he wearing any underwear? Then the image of him going commando makes me want to strike out my mind's eye again and again and again. There are times when his pants slip so low while he is sitting on his chair that I wonder if he is actually wearing pants. The only thing about him that is as disturbing as his rear is the cottage cheese that oozes out from under his too short, dirty polo shirts. He never fails to adress the individual staff members as "Young Ladies" and repeatedly gives us grief over the rules regarding the use of the Internet. He once took it upon himself to council a grieving coworker after her husband had passed away. Letting her know that he was aware that she had "needs". He illustrated his view by telling her a little story about when his father had passed on. Recalling the fact that his mother only waited 3 weeks prior to making sure her "needs" were met with another man.


Flip Flop Man.

A short squat man of middle years Flip Flop Man is a long time patron of the SoCal Library. As you can imagine from his name Flip Flop Man wears only flip flops. He has never to the best of my knowledge worn any other type of foot covering, ever... Flip Flop man used to make flirtaous comments to the staff back in the day that freaked the staff out to no end. That has thankfully ceased due to intervention from the management. Flip Flop man now comes in and checks out only juvenile non-fiction.

Cat Box Lady

Cat Box Lady appears to be a well groomed middle-age woman whose internal fashion clock stopped in 1985. She uses the library once every week like clockwork. She always appears well groomed and seems like a nice person if you can make it pass the eau du dirty cat box essence that seems roll off her body like waves of raw sewage. Unfortunatley for us all of the brand new books she returns reek of her special parfum du cat poop. I have even had the misfortune to find loose kitty litter gravel between some of the pages of her returned books. As a result we have had to institute an intense deoderization process for all library materials returned by Cat Box Lady. This process includes placing several febreeze scented dryer sheets between the pages of each book and sealing them for up to a week in an airtight container. It works. It really, really works.

Romance Guy

Another man at the back end of a midlife crisis is Romance Guy. He is a harmless individual. Clean cut and white of hair he would come in every week and pick out romance novels. He would always check out the bodice rippers (historical romances) and say that they were for his mom. Needless to say we were a bit skeptical especially when we spotted him on a bench reading Captive of My Desires by Johanna Lindsey. It is believed that Romance Guy and Flip Flop Man attended the same high school as in the past they have been verry chummy.

Mr. Philip Moss

The notorious Philip Moss is both a creature of the morning and of habit. Mr. Philip Moss is an old, short, scrawny, bitter man who is always the first patron through the door. He can be a pain in our collective asses especially if there isn't an available computer or newspaper for him to use. There have been librarians who have wanted to install a remote activated chair taser system to zap his scrawny ass every morning. Unfortunately we have not yet had the go ahead to fund this project.

The Wasserman

The Wasserman is a patron of legend. It's difficult to fully articulate all the horror and evil that make up the Wasserman. From what we have been able to unearth in our painfull and horror filled dealings with her is that she is a local high school teacher specializing in ESL students. She is a small, thin woman with a boheimian taste in clothing. Her secret weapon is her rapier tongue. She has made at least 3 staff members break out in tears with her abusive and caustic language. She never uses profanity but knows exactly what to say to wreak havoc among the staff. She also once sang the song " You Are My Sunshine" at the top of her lungs at the Circulation Desk because we were taking too long to see to her library needs. I've always felt that the Wasserman could use some chemical enhancement - lithium perhaps. We find it appropriate that the Wasserman is also the name of a VD Test. Thankfully we have not had a Wasserman sighting for many a month.


Moses Vargas.

Moses Vargas is one of those eriely quiet teens. There are times when I could easily imagine Moses losing his frail grip on sanity and mowing us all down with an ak-47. Okay, He looks normal enough but has this obession for manga that has crossed the border of strange and has entered into the land of mental defect. He is also the brother of Ruben. Known collectively as the Vargas Brothers, Moses is tall and lean Ruben is short and stocky. We find their relationship a strange, strange thing. They never seem to speak to each other or even make eye contact. Although both are introverts, Ruben has not yet found his true obsession yet. But I digress -Moses's name isn't actually Moses. He earned that moniker when he started bringing his big five foot stick to the library. When questioned about his big stick he stated that he carried it for "religous reasons". As a result there were many jokes about the parting of the Red Sea. Unfortunately for us he desperately wants to work at the library- perhaps to better fulfill his need for manga. Thanks to Elle's return from library hell we will not be interviewing for new page candidates. So as long as the staff doesn't get in the way of his acquision of manga materials
we co-exist peacefully.


Native Son -

Native Son was one of our most beloved patrons. He was a man proud of his native american heritage. He was polite, courteous, followed all the rules of the library. For years the staff adored him. Then, one day a woman came up to us and let us know that there was a man who was perusing child pornography at one of the computers facing the children's area. Yup. It was Native Son. We were sad, he was supposed to be one of the good ones. He knew better! In the blink of an eye he became persona non grata at the library. Especially, since he wouldn't stop viewing scantily clad little girls... Later he was banned from using the library's computers entirely.


J.C. the Third


J.C. the Third has been a regular patron for a very long time. He's a caucasian older version of Moses with lots of facial plumage sans stick. A Geek of the old school he is a Sci Fi fanatic and feels it is the library's sole mission to purchase obscure science fiction titles for him. He constantly comes in with this superior "you owe" me attitude which I find not only annoying but repelling in the extreme.


"The Tender Moment"

I witnessed from my excellent vantage point at the circ desk, Moses leaving the building and J.C. the Third entering the building. Moses and J.C. the Third intersected each other and practically embrace like old high school sweethearts. It was like watching an episode of "Jackass" you couldn't believe it yet there it was. J.C. the Third took Moses literally "under his wing" and proceeded to have a conversation right in front of me. As if there were no one else in the building. J.C. decieded to impart to Moses the wisdom of his experience. The whole display was making me slightly nauseous and I kept thinking that I would not be suprised to see the headlines of the local paper shouting " Local SoCal Resident Arrested for Torrid Sexual Relationship with Teen!" The whole episode was surreal in the extreme.

SoCal's Quiznos Epicenter of Evil

We have made a momentous discovery! The Quizno's just up the street from the SoCal Library is an epicenter of evil. At first we were in denial but we can no longer avoid the truth. Evil gathers at the popular sandwich shop, thankfully with no purpose. One of my coworkers loves to eat at Quizno's several times a week and as a result is facinated by the minons of evil and their conversations:



"The Evil of Organized Religon"



You have to understand that my friend can be a religous fanatic magnet. As long as I have known her the religous nuts love to persecute her. One patron, we call "Jesus Boy" called her "of the Devil" because she got between his sermonizing to a couple of Mormon Missionaries. Which is kind of ironic. One day when my coworker arrived at the sandwich shop it was inundated with men. She chatted with a couple of men in line with her and found out that there was a men's fundamentalist Christian conference in the area. As they chatted the men mentioned that about two thousand of their bretheren were praying for peace during this conference. My coworker mentioned that she had attended the Rose Bowl and that it was attended by forty-five thousand Catholics also praying for peace. They said "That's nice. God is really doing miracles today" but their body language and tone of voice screamed "You whore of Babylon!" As the sandwich staff rung up her order it came to a total of six dollars and sixty-six cents... yes $6.66 which she points out to the men behind her jokingly. She is met with dead silence. Obviously this is a sign that she is the Devil's Minion. She takes her meal outside to one of the tables when the men in line behind her sit at the table next to her. She is facinated by their conversation as one man is complaining about how the economy goes into the toilet every time legislation was passed concerning abortion rights. The other talks about how driving a SUV is costing him a ton of money in gas everday and how his car payment is sooo expensive. They seemed to think that God will only work in this world as long as abortion isn't legalized. As the men were getting ready to leave my friend told them to have a good day and pray for peace. In response one of the men replied that there will be no peace in this country as it has been ordained! My friend replies "You mean Revelations? I was taught that the events in Revelations had already occured." His reply was that she was taught wrong. As they were leaving she realized they could very easily have read the title of the book she was reading J.A. Jance's Web of Evil.

Tisket a Tasket your Grandmother's Casket

A teenage boy and his mom come into the library looking for information on how to build a CASKET...aka...coffin...

You would not believe how many Internet sites there are about DIY funerals. http://www.deathonline.net/what_happens/body/diy_funerals.cfm

It boggles the mind.... Here's some fun facts:

A typical funeral costs $5,000, not including burial plot and tombstone.

Cremation usually costs $700, including the required casket.

Only Eight states in the U.S. require the services of an undertaker.

Ramsey Creek Preserve in Westminster, South Carolina is the home of the Nation's first all-natural DIY cemetary were your loved one must be buried in a biodegradable casket and embalming is not permitted.

There's a man named Out-house Charlie who makes DIY coffin kits that range anywhere from $800 - $3,500.

Hot Dogs

As Summer is in full swing at the SoCal Library, some stupid library patrons feel it's totally acceptable to leave their dogs in their cars. For those careless and ignorant people I say only this - We are on the look out for you and your evil ways. I am always amazed at how incredibly heartless some animal owners can be when it comes to their pets. So far we have had several people leave their dogs in their cars on a hot day. A couple of weeks ago we found a small dog in a dog carrier in a black truck with the windows shut. Our new unwritten policy is simple and swift. We will not look for the individuals whose pet is trapped gasping for air in the 120+ degree heat. Oh no, we're going to call the police and have them out here asap. All but a few of our staff are petless. All of the staff are pissed. Make no mistake Stupid Library Patrons we are out to get you.

Excuses, Excuses

Would you be able to get money out of an ATM with out your ATM card?

Use your credit card at Home Depot with just giving the clerk your full name?

Would you drive with out a license?

Then why would you go to a library and borrow anywhere from $25.00 - $300.00 worth of library materials and not have any identification at all. It boggles the freakn' mind.

Patrons give all kinds of excuses for not bringing their library cards to the library. These excuses usually are:

"I left my card at home"

"I left my card in my other bag"

"I gave my card to my spawn"

Then they stare at the staff blankly like " What are you going to do about it?"

One of my coworkers came upon a new and utterly original excuse last week.

A female patron walks in to use the computer but she doesn't have her library card. She proceeds to explain to my coworker that she was walking down Holt Blvd (Which indicates the good possibilty that she's a prostitute) when she was hit by a car. At which time her purse with all of her identification was lost. This story gets a little weirder when the lady pulls up her leg, takes off her shoe and shows her captive audience her two missing toes as proof of her story.

Elle and her ascent into Library Hell

I've worked a few libraries in my time. I've worked in a school library, a public library and a county library system in several different branches. All have been run differently. In some cases the whole dynamic is just different. Sometimes this is a good thing. Sometimes it's a bad thing - it depends I guess on the situation and how you look at it. My current place of employment so far is my best fit. Sure there are aspects of my library I don't care for but all in all it is wonder-freakin'-ful. Of course I've had all sorts of bosses - the great networker but ineffectual manager, the militant you can do no right boss, the alcohol depentant abusive boss, the let's walk in the front door and out the back door but get paid for the day boss, etc... thankfully none of these shining examples are my current boss. All have taught me something - whether I've wanted the knowledge or not. So far I've never had it so good. However there are those courageous few who leave Socal library in search of timely advancement with better pay. Case in point- Elle. Way overqualified to be a page Elle applied to Focal Library when they had a Library Assistant position available. Of course being extremely smart, personable and qualified in the exreme Elle was snapped up by the Focal Branch Library.. That is when the trouble started.



From what I understand Focal has a new large staff of which many have no library experience. I'm talking NO LIBRARY experience - one employee's last position was at Target. Not that Target is a bad place to work but I don't think they cover Dewey do they? I gather that the current experienced staff don't give a rat's ass about the new staff much less training said new staff. I believe this is due to bad blood betwixt the new branch manager (promoted) and the old branch manager (demoted) . It does not help that the old branch manager works under the new branch manager. Good God even I could see this comming. What was personnel thinking? From long time personal experience I know the new branch manager is a one of those "great networkers but ineffectual managers" that is treated differently by the management due to the fact that he is fair of face and has that extra appendage. As a result the library has no real leadership. As a result the stacks are an unmitigated disater and the library smells of urine.

Stupid Reference Questions

This week of all weeks I feel should be national stupid question week. So far we have had people come in and ask for books on these subjects:

Do you have a biography of turkey?
I need a book on the 50 states of Idaho.
Do you have a book about Degas. ( pronounced like Vegas)
Do you have a copy of the Davincia Code?
Ummn do you have a book on Romans in the USA?
Do you have that new book Sleeping Dolls by Jeffery Dahmer (Deaver)
What part of France is Spain located?

Although there have been some great ones thorought the years:

I need a book on how concrete dries. (Science Project)

Kid came in wanting a book on Africa so that he could look up Siberian Tigers. It took him a while to figure the obvious out.


I had a woman who didn't know that Kentucky was a State of the Union. She thought it was only a type of fried chicken.

Another woman requested materials on how to train her dog. I handed her a book titled The Canine Good Citizen: Every Dog Can Be One by Joachim Volhard for her perusal, she handed it back to me and said " I don't have one of those!" She didn't know that canine is other word for DOG.

I had a patron that was convinced that New England was still a part of Great Brittian.

A staff member had a guy who was convinced that Forrest Gump was a real person not a fictional character and wanted to know when he was presented with his congressional metal of honor.

Another patron we affectionatly refer to as "Rose Red" was convinced that the character Ellen Rimbauer depicted in Television Mini series Rose Red by Stephen King was an actual person and wanted her biography.

The Demented Miss D Has an EPISODE

SoCal Branch Library is part of a large county library system. As such it is subject to a dress code. The dress code is of GREAT IMPORTANCE to upper management and is strictly enforced. There are however casual days in which staff members may, within reason, wear denim jeans. These days are either Friday or Saturday. Not both Friday and Saturday but either Friday or Saturday depending on which is the employees last day of work for the week.

The Demented Miss D comes into work in jeans, on a Thursday, which is a flagrant violation of the all important dress code. She proceeds to ask various staff members if indeed it's okay to wear jeans on a Thursday. The Staff tell Miss D exactly what she does not want to hear - that no, you can't wear jeans on a Thursday. Miss D has what I can only describe as an EPISODE. Muttering about how she is being discriminated against and how she is going to complain to the CAO and talk to her union representative. Which I don't get because she works a freakin' Saturday. About this time a patron approaches the circulation desk in search of information about our literacy program as she cannot read. This is what occured during the course of their conversation:

Miss D informs patron that we can't help her because our program only tutors spanish speakers.
HUH? So not true

Miss D informs patron that the library North of us has a literacy program that can help her.

Patron response is "I don't drive"

Miss D tells her to take a bus.


During the seven years Miss D has been employed at the SoCal library she has been known to change library rules and policy at any given time to any given individual. There have been times when I have just watched open mouthed and amazed as she totally distorts reality as I know it. Sephi, one of our pages, tries desprately to interject on the conversation trying to let the truth be known and feeling as though she's part of some kind secret literacy underground railroad she tries to separate the patron from Miss D. The unsettling part is that Miss D truly believes all the crap she is actually uttering.

The Library and the Art of Psycho Parenting

When you work at a public library you see all kinds of people from all walks of life. You also get to see different kinds of parenting practices in action. I have personally decided never to have children due in part from my experiences working in public libraries. I am also leaning toward the idea that perhaps it would be a good idea to make people get a license to reproduce based on several pychiatric evaluations.

Their are several types of parenting practices that we see here at SoCal that I think are universal:

Chicken Parents: those parents who threaten their kids with reprisals from the Staff as incentive to behave. ex. "If you don't stop that the librarian will make us leave!"

Bribing Parents: parents who buy whatever the brat wants in order to stop the screaming tantrum.

Invisible Internet Parents: those parents who use the internet to the exclusion of all else.
We had a mother we call Dreadlock Lady who had toddler in a stroller taking a small hammer to one of our CPU's and another child about 10 who placed a book on the floor and started stomping on it. (I kid thee not)

Absentee Parents: those parents who think it's okay to send their underage brood to the library because it's such a safe place when in fact it's probably Pedophile Central.

Nominee's for Dysfunctional Parents of the All Time:

A couple of years ago a woman left her 3 and 5 year old daughters at the library one Saturday so that she could go shopping.

Woman thought it would be okay to leave her infant in the car with the windows rolled down in summer while she visited the library.

A man and his wife came into the library with their three year old daughter and wanted to know if it would be okay to leave her in the library so that she could play with other kids Sephi one of my coworkers said she lost all faith in humanity at that point.

Thieving Bastards!

Theft.


Libraries are wrought with theft.


It is my belief that the public at large feel that the library should supply them with:

paper both lined and unlined


pencils


pens


rulers


white-out


construction paper


paperclips


staplers


tape


and on occasion earphones!


I'm not saying that by just asking for these materials constitutes library theft, however there are limits as to what is acceptable. I'm pretty easy going and not going to begrudge someone a paperclip or a staple. However, I once had a man ask for almost all of the aforementioned supplies during a very busy stint at the reference desk one visit at a time. After about the tenth visit I snapped- like a woman pushed to the very edge by chocolate or coffee deprivation - I told that bastard that the SoCal Library was not his personal office supply store and that he needed to come to the library with his own (freakin') supplies. With my branch manager right beside me cheering me on.



We have also had an unbalanced woman who would come in each morning and take every scrap of scratch paper and a few pencils. She would spend all day writing psalms or other biblical messages on said scratch paper then neatly place them onto every parked car in our parking lot. She would also wander into the community college staff offices across the street and eat all of the staff's lunches.

As for serious thieving I believe their are two basic types of library thieves.


Your Basic Thief or YBT: those that steal without checking-out... stealthily placing materials down their pants or other orifices. (Don't Ask)


The Check-Out Thieves


These are our most stolen materials via the Check-Out Method by Check-Out Thieves:


Civil Service Exam Books: There are few libraries who can keep hold of popular civil service exams without making the patron checking out the book fork over a $20 refundable deposit. Why? Why? Whenever people come in looking for a civil service exam the test is invariably next week. So why do they never return them?


Wicca and all things Witchcraft/Occult: People of devout faith like to check out books on witchcraft or the occult and never return them so they don't poison the general populace with pagan ways. They don't recognize the whole freedom of religon part of being an American.


However in the past we have even experienced a rash of DVD artwork thefts. It's so strange who would want dvd artwork?

Poop

Fecal matter. It has plagued my carrer since pagehood. In my first page position we had a guy crap in the reference section. A couple of years later at another library we had a regular permanantly intoxicated patron, Terry, who would leave piles of his own poo in the landscaped area between the psycho senior center and the library. In this instance one of the brave reference staff actually used a dust pan to scoop up the human waste and dispose of it so as not to put a damper on our summer reading program event. One night Terry had a huge accident in his pants and decided that he should decorate the staff entrance with his own extrement, leaving his poo stained boxer shorts as an offering at our door... This evening a patron of the male persuasion left the staff a special "load" in the men's restroom. You got it a big ole pile of poo in the men's urinal a kind of excremental token of his appreciation I'm sure.

Boy Meets Boy

Sometimes librarians get reference questions pass that uncomfortable stage and just get embarrassing. I've had my fair share. The key to handling these questions is by being stoic and unflappable. Never let them know how put off you are by their question. Once I had one of our adult literacy volunteers who we call "Oxymoron" and his male friend ask me for materials on love and relationships. I told him I needed a little more information to help narrow down the search. His reply: " You know books about man and woman love, woman and woman love but mostly just man and man love." This guy teaches adults to read. It's not the whole gay thing that puts me off it's just the "do you have any books on man and man love" question. Dude, just ask for books on homosexuality. We live in the twenty-first century it's okay to be gay. It's not as if the whole staff doesn't know by now he's gay. Oxymoron is a repeat Internet offender as he's been caught accessing gay porn on the public computers facing the children's section. He's also been known to print out pictures of men in compromising positions. There's nothing quite like being greeted by naked, sweating, men in a torrid embrace adorned in Santa Hats during the holiday season as it spews forth from the reference desk printer. It's just not cool- go to a club.

Then there was a young teen who needs a good book to read for a book report. She says she's not a reader so I ask her what kind of movies does she like? Her reply"comedies". Oh crap, I'm kinda at a loss as to what to recommend . As we suvey the YA Fiction she pulls out a book titled "Boy Meets Boy" by David Levithan and asks me what the book's about. My reply is "it's about a boy who who falls in love with another boy." Her question to me then is what do you mean? I star at her blankly not knowing exactly what to say. I end up repeating myself. I don't know if she got the whole it's a book about a homosexual teens explanation I was trying to send telepathically.

AC/DC in my face

In the age of the Internet Libraries get two distinct types of clientele; Internet users whose sole objective is to use the Internet and Library Patrons who actually come to the library to check out books and library material. I find that about 20 percent overlap and use both the library to check out material and use our Internet. A great deal of the time you can tell the difference between the two. Today I encountered a pair of new regular Internet users. I call them the AC/DC Twins. I don’t think the young ladies are related but they do try to dress similarly in 50’s style black leather jackets with pink and blue letters randomly appliquéd all over it and what strike me as pajamas pants. I first really took notice when one of the girls plops her gigantic purse on the floor in front of the reference desk and bends over to fish out her library card. Dear god I saw AC/DC’s logo across my WHOLE LINE OF VISION. Her ass was way too big and way too close to my face for comfort…

Dance Macabre

Early in January Penelope and I attended Performer’s Showcase. It’s an event where librarians, friends groups, teachers and whoever else is interested can view performances from those fearless people who put on educational children’s programming. The objective: find performer’s for our Summer Reading Programs as well as year round programming if you’ve got the budget. It’s been unseasonably cold and frosty this year Penelope and I have already taken a nasty fall while entering the library who is hosting the event. The hosting library in question did put up a sign warning us of ice on the entryway to their library but in order to read the sign you have to walk through the ice. Freakin' Idiots.

Penelope and I bruised, limping and very grumpy take our seats and await the first performer. Today’s first performer is a man who represents a dance troupe. We’ve had the troupe perform at our library before. They put on a good program for the kids, very interactive and educational. I then realized that they had performed at our branch maybe 7 years ago and that age and beer had not been kind to the man performing for us today. This guy was maybe in his mid-fifties , 5’5” with a huge beer belly that was barely contained by his liederhosen. He started off by explaining to the audience about the history of Hungarian recruitment dance that he was about to perform. Then the dance began in all it’s glory. I almost stopped breathing and peed my pants while trying so hard not to laugh. Penelope was trying to contain herself as the poor, sweating, man was trying to dance his way into our libraries. Dear God it was awful. Between the grunting, scary noises, rivulets of sweat and the erratic movements the man made - I think we were all anticipating fishing for our cell phones and wondering whether or not the paramedics would make it in time. However the man survived the 6 minute performance and we all breathed a sigh of relief as he exited the stage.

Romeo Du Jour

I went to get something from my car when I happened upon Mr. Haskill another, oh so wonderful, regular dressed in his Sunday best. Mr. Haskill started living at the library about a year ago. He bathes I’m sure at least once a month, does not use deodorant and has no use for a razor or a barber. He does however have a thing for one of the full time librarians, Raylene, who is has kids older than he. While trying to chat up Raylene, he oh so suavely indicates that he is 25 when we already knew he was 18. I don’t think it occurred to him that we have his info on file when he got a library card. I then realized he wanted to make himself look more available to my coworker. He usually comes to the reference desk suavely brushing is greasy hair away from his oily, hairy face wanting works on Voltaire or books about different famous libraries from around the world. He strikes up conversation with assorted teens from time to time and lord knows what he’s telling them. He has also let us know during our special little conversations that we oh so cherish that the only reason that he’s not in school is because it’s not challenging enough for him. What I want to know is how can he afford to hang out at the library all day. After retrieving the item from my car I realized why he might be all dressed up. Dear God. Volunteer Orientation. Oh Crap. We’re so Screwed.

Library Stalkers

Stalkers in the library although rare do occur from time to time. Our Branch Manager was gently stalked by an elderly man who took one look at her and professed his undying love for her. As a symbol of his undying love he would write her erotic poetry in spanish. Ewww... Muy Creepy.

To be labeled by our staff as a stalker, a patron would have to ask for a certain staff member at least 5-10 times a day. There was one point where many of our young pages were being approached with unwanted advances by certain old icky "I can treat you right because I'm experienced" men. Thankfully our Branch Manager, as well as the rest of the unstalked staff would run interference and the cubic zirconia engagement rings I got for the girls helped as well.

Lately though we've had a new stalker. His name is Mr. Hoe. Mr. Hoe is a new regular. He is in his mid twenties and always reeking of nicotine. He’s one of those quiet crazies. You know the ones you really have to watch out for. We first encountered him shortly after his release from a mental institution. How do we know this? Our astute staff can spot medical bracelets from 30 yards. Lately he has become Sarah's stalker. Sarah is one of our new pages, blonde, pretty, always fashionably dressed and oh yeah, jail bait you nut job. We first realized his unhealthy obsession with Sarah when she began receiving such gifts as Mr. Hoe’s hair clippers and a note consisting of a piece of sandpaper with the words HI scratched upon it. He askes about the "Hot Blonde" at the circulation desk. He is now requesting to become a volunteer so that he can work with Sarah. Yeah Buddy, like that’s ever going to happen.

Teachers Today

Teachers are wonderful people.

I have teachers that are my friends.

However there are times when certain teachers give assignments that just don't make sense.

Case in Point:

A frantic mother approached our BM at the Reference Desk in a panic looking for MLK’s favorite movie, food and hobby.

Here we have another assignment from a teacher not in touch with reality.

Prison and Proud of It

Today I should be getting paid $5.99 an minute like those phone sex operators. I can give satisfaction. OK, so not in a carnal kind of way however if I have to put up with anymore cheap ass patrons I'm going to demand credit card info and charge by the minute before taking calls. Patrons call us for a variety of reasons of which few actually involve some sort of reading material. The rest go somewhat like this:

1."What are your hours?"

2." Are you open?"

3."Can you give me the address to ________"

4." I need the phone number for____"

5." Where can I get a passport?"

6. " Do you have any Tax forms"

One page, Alexis, actually had this conversation:

Alexis: Good Morning, this is the Socal Branch library. Alexis speaking, how may I help you.

Patron: Is this the Socal Branch Library? Who is speaking?

When patrons are not using the Reference Desk as a lazy way not to look in their own phone book or pay for 411 fees they don't even bother to pay attention when they do call us.

Here are some of my absolute favorite calls:

A man called and wanted to know when the movie "Amazing Grace" was playing at the Puente Hills AMC that day. Puente Hills is 15 miles away! He didn't want the phone number or the address just the showtimes. What am I Movie Phone?

Woman calls in on her cell phone looking for a video on the Donner Party. She's on the ball and lets me know that she's a patron from another branch five cities away and already put the video on hold but would like to pick it up that day at the Socal branch. I can hear her kids screaming in the backgroung and all of a sudden she screams " Shut the hell up!" Hopefully to her brats and not me. After I find the video in question she wants directions. I have to use all of my willpower not to ask " Do you have a pen" because I knew darn well she was in a moving vehicle. All of a sudden in the middle of our phone conversation she says " Two bean burritos, no cheese a #1 combo with fries and 3 regular cokes - YEAH THAT'S RIGHT THREE REGULAR COKES". She's ordering lunch at Taco Bell. May the goddess of phone ettiquette strike her down.

A Man called the Reference Desk and wanted to know if we carried any newspapers from the 1980’s. He was interested in looking for articles concerning his escape from prison. Enough said.

Volunteers of Evil Be Gone

Good volunteers have a special place in my heart. For those few who truly want to give back to the community and are willing donate their precious time - I am always humbled and honored to work with them. For those many who have poisoned their own grandmother, held up a liquor store, used drugs, drove drunk, shoplifted, beat up their significant other, committed vandalism or sexual act with an animal and got caught- please go pick up trash on the side of the road or something. Court ordered community service volunteers and students with academic required volunteer service make up the bulk of our volunteer applicants. These individuals, with few exceptions, lack intellegence and motivation. I call them the Dregs. (as in the dregs of society) Why would the court system and academic establishments punish librarians in such a cruel manner? They don't want to be here and we don't want volunteers we have to babysit. Most of them don't care about libraries or have a decent work ethic. There are a few of these Dregs that are exceptions but on the whole it just doesn't work.

Case in point The BM (Branch Manager) was approached by a patron who was interested in volunteering. This is not so unusual however, during the course of the excruciatingly difficult conversation ( English not being the patron’s first, second or even third language) made her request clear. Basically, her teenage daughter needed to complete 25 hours of community service for an academic requirement and needed it done in less than a month. Obviously the teen had waited until the very last minute. Mom thought it’d be perfectly acceptable to do the work for her kid and just have us sign off on her highness’s paperwork.

Masturbation and the Sacred Silence

Libraries are no longer quiet places. The Sacred Silence is no longer observed or enforced. I miss it so! With all that goes on in our little branch it's often hard to hear yourself think and of course when this happens it's a prime oportunity for misunderstandings. Ms. Mena and I are staffing the reference desk one busy day when a young, extremely pregnant girl approaches us and asks Ms. Mena for materials on masturbation. I was thinking "what’s the point?" However being the consummate professionals that we are and not batting so much as an eye we both start looking for materials on sexual education and masterbation. We gave her the materials to look over and she gave us this look as if we had just performed a sexual act ourselves, in public, together. She said what she was really looking for where books on emancipation not masturbation. Oops.

The Demented Miss D Strikes Again

Miss D inquired whether or not I would be going somewhere special for New Year's. I let her know that I would be spending New Year’s quietly at home. Miss D looked at me strangely and said she felt sure that I would be going to amateur night. Huh? Amateur night? What the Freaking Heck? Miss Laurel witnessing the bizarre conversation did a sexy stripper pole dance interpretation that involved a great deal of bumping and grinding and told me that at least I wouldn’t have to get a face lift…

The Demented Miss D.

The Demented Miss D, is a long time employee at our library. She is a sweet woman of advanced years and increased senility. Many would call her excentric, others a little dotty. She is one of those rare individuals who never SHUTS UP. She is constantly talking. CONTSANTLY. An actual stream of consiousnous is forever spewing forth from her mouth punctuated only with the flatulence out her ass. While checking books out to patrons she must tell them every little thing she is doing. When they have an overdue fine no matter what the amount it’s always “A little bit of an overdue” Miss D has what we thought were two safe jobs, processing periodicals and sorting the mail. Today she was sorting the mail and came across a Victoria’s Secret catalog. She came back and asked to the workroom at large why Victoria’s Secret would send a bunch of Librarians a catalog. She used the phrase “Well golly” in the question. Which, for some odd reason, always makes me wince. Then from out of nowhere she announces that one of our reference staff, Miss Carlotta, could wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie because of the shirts she wears. We interpret this to mean Miss Carlotta is stacked. Then she ponders some more on the underwear quandary and comes to this conclusion- that Ms. Bernie ( another staff member present ) could also wear Victoria’s Secret but she’d need a “little bit of a face lift” Finding herself on a roll at this point and makes sure to inform Miss Penelope our children’s librarian that she could also wear Victoria’s Secret lingerie - but only if she wore a paper bag over her head. I guess plastic surgery is not an option for Miss Penelope. She meant that only in a nice way.

Happy Times at Socal Library

I've worked and hung out in a lotta libraries in my time. Started out as a kid and kind of grew up among the stacks. School libraries and public libraries mostly. Sometimes I feel a bit jaded, as if I've seen and done it all in the line of duty. In one of my first public library positions a patron took dump in the reference section and by happenstance human fecal matter has become a reoccuring theme throughout my career. Just when it's about to get ho-hum either my coworkers and/or the unwashed masses amaze me yet again and make life interesting. Don't get me wrong I love what I do. Even on the worst day- I love what I do but lately I started writing down the highlights of those times when things got just a bit little weird.