Librarian in the RAW: October 2008

Librarian in the raw's essential tips for firing a volunteer

1. Always use the phone, Always. It's always easier when you're not face to face with the firee.

*If you are firing a teen volunteer go through their parent and tell them why. Most parents know their spawn aren't perfect and are willing to accept your decision.

2. Always be vague when firing a volunteer. For instance: I'm sorry but I'm going to have to end your volunteer service because:

- we don't have any work available for you. Which is diplomatic speak for - you are unable to folow simple directions you freakin idiot!

- we are cutting down on our volunteer workforce. Which is diplomatic speak for -we'd rather have the extra work that have you grace us with your ineptness.

- we have a backlog of volunteers on our waitlist and we must give them the opportunity to volunteer. Which is diplomatic speak for - go away so that we can train somebody with a brain and the common sense to use it.

Of course if you are firing a person doing community service that's different. You can be as honest as you like without actually using profanity, getting personal or nitpicky.

These are the phrases I like to use for the most common terminating offenses:

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to terminate you because:

- It's just not working out.
- You can't seem to get here on time so we can't give you hours.
- You lack motivation.
- Your attitude is unexceptible.
- The staff is not willing to work with you.

Socal hired a couple new faces in the last couple months. In the past finding suitable staff has always been a crap shoot. Most times the Branch Manager returns from an interview excited by the possiblitity that we were going to hire the perfect someone for our branch, only to be so terribly dissapointed later. As far as I can tell it's a 3/1 ratio. For every three people hired only one is a good fit at our library. As a result we've made some terrible, terrible, staff choices. So far I've discovered that If a prospective employee interviews well - don't hire them. I find formal interviews really don't give a true picture of a person. They'll tell you what you want to hear because they want the job. DUH. Once an individual is hired to work at the Socal library they almost have to commit murder to get fired. In fact for as long as I have been working here I have never witnessed, or heard of a staff member getting fired. Ever. Disciplinary action, yes, termination no. I know it sounds crazy but there you go.

Of the three new staff members hired this round only one has been a good fit with the rest of the staff. Nessa has become one of the staff favorites. She is professional, hardworking, eager to learn etc... The others we call Heckle and Jeckle.

Heckle and Jeckle

These are the square pegs trying to fit in the round holes. I'm not saying that they are the worst staff members we've ever had. They are punctual, and with the exception of Heckle they are enthusiastic and decent employees. They do however have idosycracies that drive almost every staff member to the edge of sanity. They have habits that have driven me to drink. So without further ado let me introduce you to Heckle and Jeckle.

Jeckle

Jeckle was a long time patron that the branch manager felt would make a great addition to the staff. She's retired with the much desired morning hours availablity. She was always so happy and cheerful as a patron. The sad truth is she is always happy and cheerful. That's her only speed - HAPPY AND FRIGGIN' CHEERFULL and if we are lucky we get gay and giddy thrown in. It's just not natural. She's like an SNL episode gone horribly wrong. So far the staff has found her most irritating habits to be:

1. Speaking - she will not shut up. Ever. The only saving grace of this irritating habit is that at least she is coherent. (unlike the Demented Miss D)

2. The over usage of the words AWESOME! SUPER! OKEDOKEY! and ABSOLUTELY!

3. The over usage of the phrase "that's in alpha order" (what does that mean? Alpha order?) I've worked in the libraries for almost 20 years and have never heard someone use the phrase.

4. The ability to bulldoze herself into any conversation but especially those conversations that are surrounded by tragedy. (kid thee not! if someone has died, had a heart attack, been mauled by a rabid hamster she wants all the deets)

5. The ability to know the correct solution to every problem ever thought of. If you have a problem she will tell you exactly how to solve it whether you want the answer or not.

6. Her inablitity to quickly help patrons at the circ desk. She always wants to talk to them about what they are doing, what they are checking out, there lives, yada, yada, yada. It doesn't matter if there are 15 people behind the patron she's currently helping. It doesn't matter they are kept waiting unecessarily - just as long as she gets to be friendly.

7. Ability to freak out little kids. She truly believes she has this horse whisper-like ability to connect with small children. What she truly does is speak to them in such a way that I'm sure they'll have nightmares for many nights to come. She scare's me and I'm only a scared, silent witness. It's not the words she uses but the tone. I get internal snipets of scenes from the movie Child's Play for some reason whenever I hear her address a child.

Heckle

Heckle is Jeckle's counterpart in almost every way. Heckle is younger than Jeckel and her only speed is well, cranky- sometimes with a smattering of dissalutionment and woe. When she speaks it's in almost monotone with little inflection. She's a nitpicker and will want to be paid for every minute extra she has to work. We had to stay late one night - eight minutes late and she felt she should be compensated for it! Her annoying idosyncrasies are as follows

1. Not being a team player. She ignores staff members who would benfit from her help on the circulation desk when it's busy.

2. Illegal break taking. Takes her breaks on her schedules circulation desk time. (It's not as if she doesn't have advanced freaking notice)

3. Ingnoring Pleas for help. When someone asks for her assistance and she is on her break instead of helping a staff member for a couple of minutes and then finishing her break she says "I'm on my break" and then pointedly ignores the needfull staff member.

* due to her innate inability to by sympathic to others or a team player Jeckle is not endeared by staff.

The Making of a Pair

Since being hired Heckel and Jeckel have found that they are each other's freakin' soul mates.

So the staff suffers.

Here's a typical Heckle and Jeckle Morning.

Each morning Heckle and Jeckle are responible for the Route. The Route for those uninitiated is a shipment of books delivered each day from other libraries in our system that have either been requested by our patrons from other libraries to check out or are comming back from other libraries because the patrons requesting them are finished with them. These mornings are painfull for the staff . Our library is in one room and voices carry. They speak of everything and they speak constantly.

At this time the term TMI (too much information) comes into play - So far we know they have had repeated discussion on these topics:

1. The Time ( Yes the TIME as in the measurement of hour, minutes, seconds, etc ) which disscussion points include but are not limited to:

A. What is the correct time.

B. If all the library's clocks are set to the correct time.

C. A debate on who has the correct time? Is it Jeckle's cell phone or Heckels watch.

Conversations regarding the Time usually take up anywhere from 10-15 minutes of Time I CAN NEVER GET BACK.

They have decieded on a color coded system for those items in the route that are to be put on hold for a patron. Usually scrap paper is cut up into strips in which the patron's last name is printed with black marker. The strip of paper is then rubber banded to the spine of the book and then the book is put on the hold shelf in alphabetical order by the patron's last name. Heckle and Jeckle talk so much that even if they do get to this point prior to the end of their shift, (which there is a 50/50 percent chance of happening) some don't get the correct patron's last name on the slip. For example: Joan Rodriguez orders the book Crank by Ellen Hopkins. Guess who's name the route slip has on it? Hopkins. It takes four staff members and 30 minutes to locate a book because Heckle and Jeckle can't stop polluting the air.